Broken
by aBeautifulLiar
Summary: She was broken beyond repair, and she hated that she let her mother do this to her, that she let those bullies do this to her, and that she had let Finn Hudson break her. She hated them, she blamed them.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but my own mind. **

**Broken**

"Right, so it's my house tonight?" Rachel grinned at Kurt; the two diva's had become best friends over the past year – of course, with a few typical ups and downs that could be expected of a friendship between the two biggest diva's anyone had ever met, but other than that, the two spent most of their time together.

"I cannot wait, a nice, girly night in." Kurt laughed, his arm in Rachel's as they walked out of school, "Oh wonderful, Summer is heading our way." Kurt muttered, rolling her eyes as the new girl in town made her way over to the two teens, a cigarette in her mouth as she did.

Rachel laughed a little, "She's not that bad when you get to know her," She shrugged and grinned at the other girl, who returned the smile before shooting a glare at Kurt. He rolled his eyes and moved his arm from his best friend's – who, he had to admit, was perhaps a little too desperate to make friends with too many people – motioning for her to join him.

"Want a smoke?" Rachel stared down at the cigarette in Summer's hand, watching her put in her mouth slowly, still grinning. She gasped when Kurt grabbed her arm a little too roughly and pulled her away, "No she does not! Now, we have to go, come on Rachel."

Rachel hated to admit it, even to her best friend but she had always wanted to try something new, something nobody would ever expect from goody-two-shoes Rachel Berry. "I'll catch up in a minute." She smiled at her friend, trying to reassure him,

"Rachel." He gritted his teeth before storming off in full diva fashion, Rachel laughed a little, watching him try to hide around a corner. She shrugged and turned back to Summer, taking the cigarette from her before putting it in her own mouth,

"Don't suck it in too hard." Summer advised her, smirking when Rachel coughed before handing it back to the girl, "You know, you're pretty cool, Berry... even if you do hang out with a bunch of losers."

"Those losers are some of my best friends..." She murmured, shrugging as she looked behind her to wave at Kurt who had a look of disgust on his face,

"Right, sorry." Summer rolled her eyes and handed the cigarette back to Rachel, who sucked in the smoke one more time. "I better go before he kills me," She finally said after a moment, handing it back to her before turning around,

"Yeah, I'll see you around, Berry." Rachel waved behind her, her attention focused on a now very angry Kurt. "What in the Barbara were you thinking?" He put his hands on his hips, reminding Rachel of a mother scolding her naughty child,

"Oh, come on Kurt.. live a little?" She offered a small smile, grabbing his arm once more as they carried on walking, "Can we just forget about it?" She finally said, looking at her fellow diva as innocently as possible, grinning when he sighed in defeat. She knew Kurt would just love to give her the biggest lecture of her life right now but she didn't want the argument, and by the looks of things, neither did Kurt.

Maybe tonight will actually end in us still being friends for the first time during a sleepover, she thought to herself. She shook her head at the thought, remembering all the past sleepovers when one of them had stormed off, and ended up sleeping apart because of an argument over a song or a musical. She could only hope tonight would be different.

~ … ~

"I know daddy.. but..."

"Look, Rachel, there is no way out of this. You will have to stay with Shelby this weekend and that's the end of it." She sighed as she stared down at her daddy, and her dad, the decision had been made a while ago that Rachel needed a mother figure in her life and after a long discussion, something had been drawn up. But Rachel still found it hard to forgive and forget, no matter how hard she tried.

"It's not fair.. I have plans..."

"You haven't seen her out of school in ages."

Rachel groaned, "Yeah, and it's not just my fault." She rolled her eyes, starting to walk out of the door, not wanting to get into this regular argument once more. "And where do you think you are going?"

"To tell Kurt that I am being forced away against my own will!" She screams back at her dad, slamming the door behind her as she carried on walking, ignoring the calls from both of them. It wasn't fair, Shelby gave her up a long time ago, came back and rejected her and now she wants her back.

She hated her so much, she walked out on Rachel last year, and to be honest, she would have been fine to leave it at that but then she came back, wanted contact once more, decided she was in the wrong. She sighed loudly and carried on walking to Kurt's house; they were supposed to have a sleepover, they had everything planned but now she was going to have to spend three whole days with someone she didn't even like.

"Hey," Rachel smiled when Kurt opened the door, staring at the girl, "Why are you here so early?"

"I can't come tonight." Rachel sighed, biting her lower lip, "Dad and Daddy want me to spend time with Shelby, I'm stuck in that hell hole for the whole weekend." She walked into the kitchen and jumped on the counter as Kurt started making them both a drink.

"I don't even get along with that woman, Kurt, they know that, I just don't see why they want me to have a relationship with her after so long."

"Maybe they want you to have a mother in your life." Kurt could understand that, his mother had died so long ago and he longed to have a mother that could care for him, and unlike Rachel, he could never get a chance to have a relationship with a woman he loved so much, but knew so little about.

"I guess.. but still.." She wrinkles her nose in disgust, looking down at the drink she held so tight in her hands as she thought about her mother, "She told me she was my mother, not my mom, I was never the daughter she wanted. And then suddenly... she wants me to be that daughter and I don't even know if I want to be anymore." She sighed as Kurt looked at her strangely, "What?"

"It's nothing, it's just.. you never talk about her."

"I know.. it's not easy. I just.. she made me feel so horrible. It was like I couldn't be good enough for her, she made me feel guilty that she gave me up and I hated that she could make me feel that way." Kurt nodded, wrapping his arms around the girl, who gratefully accepted the act of comfort, wrapping her own arms around her best friend.

"I don't know if I should hate her or love her." She whispered in the end, frowning slightly,

"Just... make an effort this weekend, try and get along and see how it goes." He smiles, knowing he always gave the best advice, even if the answer seemed to simple. Rachel just nodded slightly and jumped off the counter, "I guess I should get going. She's picking me up in an hour.. wish me luck."

"Good luck." Kurt grinned at her, waving her as she ran out of his house and down the street. Rachel felt better about the visit, maybe it wouldn't be as bad as she thought it would be, maybe her mother really had changed her mind and maybe Rachel had grown up enough so there won't be too many arguments.

"Dad? Daddy?" She walked into the house,

"Rachel?" She laughed and nodded, "Who else would it be?" She smiled at her dad's and kissed them both on the cheek before walking to her bedroom to pack a bag,

"You're in a better mood." Her dad raised an eyebrow, following his daughter into the bedroom, "Well yes, I had a discussion with Kurt and he managed to calm me down."

Her dad nodded and smiled a little, "That's good, so you're alright with going now?" She nodded and carried on packing, thinking of the weekend ahead. It took her a while to decipher what was important and what was not on her list of things she could not possibly live without – her Barbara records for one – over the next three days but finally she was done.

"Your mother will be here soon." Rachel nodded at her daddy and sat down, not saying a word. She had given up on Shelby last year, she wasn't about to start getting her hopes up, not yet anyway.

It wasn't long until she came, thankfully on her own – Rachel didn't know how she felt about the whole Beth incident yet. She listened as Shelby talked to her about her life, about Beth, about the apartment... everything. She talked non stop about why she came back and how much she had discovered about herself when she became a mother to Beth. Rachel smiled and nodded when it seemed appropriate, laughed when Shelby did. All the while thinking about this new life she had made, the life she wanted her to be a part of now – sixteen years later.

That evening she sat on the table with her mother, watching Beth in her high chair, "So, how do you find school?" Shelby finally asked, breaking the tension,

"It's good... I enjoy my lessons, so that's something." She shrugged, never really knowing how to answer that question. "I tutor Finn sometimes in Math, it helps me too."

"Finn is that tall one in Glee, right?" Rachel nodded, "Yeah.. he's my boyfriend." Shelby looks shocked, nodding a little, "And how long have you two been dating?"

"Just over a year.. he's amazing." Rachel grinned as she thought about him, oddly feeling at ease the moment she did. He was the best thing that had ever happened to her, he got along well with her dad's, he got on with Kurt – well, he was Kurt's step-brother after all and Finn Hudson was just an amazing person.

Shelby nodded and picked up Beth, "I'm going to bath this one and then put her to bed, and then probably get to bed myself. I'll see you in the morning, okay?" Rachel nodded, trying to hide her hurt as she stood up, watching her mother and her new baby leave.

She sighed, walking over to the kitchen, noticing a bottle of wine on the counter. She picked it up, biting her lip.. it was just a little something, just to take away the hurt and the loneliness. It couldn't do any harm, could it?

She gulped down the warm liquid, burning the back of her throat after the first taste, but then it felt fine. She smiled to herself as she drunk a little more.

It was exactly what she wanted, she wanted to feel nothing. She wanted to be free from all the pain she felt for the first time. The alcohol had given her this.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

**~ Chapter Two ~ **

Rachel slammed the door behind her as she stormed into her bedroom, not paying any attention to her daddy calling her name, banging on the door. She wiped away the tears that fell down her face as she ran to her CD player, putting the volume on full blast.

She lay down on her bed and closed her eyes; how could he just break up with her? She hated him so much, just when she was happy, and now everything is ruined. Nobody ever wanted her to be happy. She turned around and screamed into her pillow, she hated him so much, she couldn't believe he would do this to her.. she thought they were happy. But he likes someone else, someone better, she knows it. She scoffed at his pathetic excuse for breaking up with her; she was too rebellious for him, she was changing too much. She sighed in defeat, she will show him, she will show everyone exactly what rebellion is.

She sits up and looks around her room for her mobile, it was time she learned how to grow up anyway and stop hanging around with those losers. It was time she moved on from them, wasn't it?

She sighed to herself, they were her best friends but she can't even be around them anymore. It was too suffocating, she needs time, time to think and just.. time to breathe.

She smiles when she finds the persons he was looking for, her hand shaking slightly as she presses the call button. This was for the best, she told herself, she had to do this.

"Hello? Summer?"

"Berry? Hey! What's up?"

"I was just wondering... if you could come over... I'm a little bored, and yeah..." She bit her lip, closing her eyes as she awaited rejection, maybe even a laugh – why would anyone want to hang out with her?

"Yeah, sure... where 'bouts do you live?" Rachel smiled slightly, telling her the address, sighing in relief when she tells her she will be right over. She hangs up and quickly looks around her room, hiding all the bears and dolls she always kept since she was younger.

She jumps when her phone goes off after a little, '_I'm outside.' _Rachel nods, slowly walking from her room, not even looking at her dad's as she runs to the door, ignoring any questions about what is wrong with her. She didn't have time for them anymore, they both loved Finn, how could Rachel tell them that their precious Finn Hudson broke her heart?

Rachel grinned at Summer when she opened the door and grabbed her hand to pull her into the house; the girl was dressed in her usual all black, her eyeliner carved deeply into her pale skin. Her hair long, and black, and the choice of clothing.. she was exactly the type of person her dad's didn't want her hanging around with. She nods at her dad's as they both walk past the stunned men.

"I didn't say you could have a friend around, Rachel." Her daddy finally speaks up, looking at the girl in front of him,

"Yeah well... whatever." She mutters, grabbing Summer's hand and pulling her into the bedroom, slamming the door behind them before locking the door. She rolled her eyes, laying down on her bed. Summer laughed, following the girl before pulling something from her pocket, "Want some?"

Rachel bit her lip, curiosity taking over as she sat up slightly, "What is it?" Summer laughed slightly, offering her some, "Pot."

"Sure... I-I... guess." She gulped nervously and stared at the cigarette-like thing in her hand, "It's good, it makes you forget everything... feel nothing." Rachel watched Summer light it and put it in her mouth, doing the same with hers.

"Don't inhale deeply, see if you can have better luck with this." Rachel laughed slightly, remembering the cigarette a few weeks ago. She gently inhaled the fumes, grinning to herself as the feeling took over.. and she finally felt nothing.

Rachel watched as Summer brought it to her own mouth, both of them giggling; and she felt so free and happy for once, like nothing even mattered anymore. It felt so good as she just lay on her bed with Summer, smoking something she had promised herself she would never even try. It all felt so right... like this whole thing was meant to be.

~ .. ~

Rachel grinned at Summer when she saw her in school the next day, in her usual hang out spot – the place Rachel would now hang out at, to the horror of her fellow classmates. She grabs a cigarette off Summer as she walks over to her, "You look amazing." Summer grins as Rachel looks down at her outfit, shrugging.

She liked the new her, she actually could pass for someone slightly cool now. She was wearing black, skinny jeans and a red and black top. She had copied Summer's eyeliner, and other make-up last night when the other girl had spent the night.

Rachel groaned and rolled her eyes when she saw Finn walking into school, "Oh look, it's the twat that broke up with you." She just nodded slightly and turned the other way so she wouldn't have to look at the boy she was still in love with. "His loss though, right?" Summer looked at the smaller girl as she nodded, "You're right about that."

Rachel inhaled the smoke as the pulled the cigarette from her mouth, her eyes being drawn to Finn once more, she watched as he talked about her – it was too obvious, he didn't even bother trying to hide it. She looked at Summer, tutting loudly before stamping out her cigarette as Mr. Shue walked towards them. "Come on, class." She mutters, walking off as she ignored the stares from the Glee club.

~ .. ~

Rachel groaned as she looked at her watch, waiting for her father's outside the school. It was parents evening, and she didn't want the whole lecture about how she's gone from being an amazing student, to someone who barely turns up for class.

She kicked a rock bitterly, knowing that it would be grounded to her bedroom time to study. They should just accept that Rachel just didn't care anymore. She watched her daddy approach her, her dad not too far behind, "Let's just hope you get good results to make up for your recent behaviour at home." He said, shaking his head at his daughter when she just rolled her eyes and folded her arms, "Whatever." She muttered, carrying on walking down the hallway.

She leaves their side as they walk into the main hall, practically running over to Summer and Simon – a good friend of Summer's and now Rachel's. She grins at him, glad that Finn was in the room. Simon supplied everyone's drugs, and the whole school knew that and he was a bit older than herself which made him a lot more appealing than everyone else in the room.

She made sure she giggled loudly when he wrapped his arm around slyly slipping Summer something, who winked as she stuffed it down her bra. Rachel grinned, laughing at her new best friend, brushing off the looks she was getting from Kurt and Finn across the room.

~ .. ~

Finn stared at Rachel, he had no clue what had gotten into her recently. She had completely ditched the Glee club. He sighed, maybe it was her way of dealing with having her heart broken, instead of begging for him to take her back, maybe she would snap out of it soon and realize who her real friends are.

"Who's that guy?" Finn looked behind him at one of Rachel's dad's, who had stopped his conversation with a teacher to look over at his daughter, 

"His name is Simon, he's rumoured to be the local drug dealer here." He could see the concern on her father's face as he continued to watch his young daughter, "And how old is he?"

"Twenty-two, he's been held back a few years a few times because he keeps failing. But... Rachel doesn't do drugs.. she hates them, I've heard her rant a few times about people who take them." He bit his lip, his heart beating too quick as he tried to convince himself that Rachel would never, ever go near the stuff.

"That was the old Rachel, this Rachel... I have no idea what is going through her mind at the moment. I guess we should have seen it coming after what you did to her." The older man sighed, "I just wish she would talk to us."

"And me.." Finn muttered, ignoring the look on his step-brother's face, which just seemed to say 'why would she? You broke her heart.' He looked down at the floor, refusing to let any tears fall as you thought about the broken girl. You did that.

"I don't know why she is hanging around with Summer, but there is only one word to describe that girl... trouble." Mercedes piped up as the group nodded in agreement. Rachel was only going to get into trouble hanging around with her, and they couldn't shake the feeling that she was already in too deep. They knew she was way out of her depth right now and nobody, not even Rachel, knew what to do about it.

~ .. ~

"They're staring at you." Summer laughed as Rachel looked across the room and shrugged, "Let them, I couldn't care less." She shrugs them off and looks at Simon, "I bet Finn is talking about you." He nods and laughs for a second before returning back to his solemn glance he kept throughout any conversation anyone had with him.

Rachel looked over at her previous friends, they annoyed her so much and she had no idea what Kurt or Finn had said to her dad's but they looked pissed. They were ready to kill Rachel and they hadn't even spoken to Mr Shue yet. She sighs when they're called over by the Spanish and Glee club teacher, "If they ground me or whatever, I'll be a little late but I will be there." She grins at them before walking ahead, dreading the evening ahead.

She looks at her dad's, "What?"

"We have one more teacher to see, move it." Her dad grabbed her arm, "I was having a conversation." 

"I do not care, Rachel Barbara Berry." Rachel rolled her eyes, realizing how annoyed they both were. She stifled a laugh at the sight of her daddy's red face, imagining if they were in a cartoon right now, there would be steam coming from his ears. "Now, move it." He frowns as Rachel quickly spins around and glares at Finn, 

"What the fuck did you say to him?"

"Nothing Rachel, don't be so paranoid." She took a step forward and clenched her shaking fists, "Paranoid? You obviously said something, so tell me what lies you've been spreading now." She glared at him, ignoring everyone around her,

"Nothing. I just told them the truth about Simon and Summer."

"What? So I can't have any other friends, now? Maybe.. just maybe, I don't want to be stuck hanging around with a bunch of losers for the rest of my life. So, how about you stop informing my fathers of everything and get your own sad, pathetic, little life. I don't care anymore, Finn. But do not try and turn my father's against me or my friends again." She smirked at him and turned away quickly, ignoring the look she was getting from Mr Shue. She could hear Summer laughing loudly and she grinned to herself, that had felt good. The look on her ex-boyfriend's face was priceless.

~ .. ~

"How could you?"

"Oh, get over it dad, because you were so freaking perfect in school."

"I never said I was, Rachel." She shook her head at him, "I don't care about school, it's like a prison. Now just leave me alone." She pushed past the both of them to storm into her bedroom, slamming the door as loud as she can behind her and turning her music up as loud as it would go. It was a routine now that the three of them had been getting used to lately.

She ran to the mirror, staring at herself angrily, she hated her father's so much. What gave them any right to lecture her on her grades when they had barely scraped by in school? How dare they.

She shook her head and looked around her bedroom before grabbing a pair of scissors, smiling to herself as she thinks about how much she needs to grow up, and how much she needs to change. She nods, taking a deep breath before closing her eyes tight – trying to think about what she is about to do.

It would look so much better, so much nicer. She nods, grinning at her reflection when she finally opens her eyes, taking the scissors to her long, brown hair. She watches the pieces fall down, not letting any tears fall from her eyes.

She has to do this. She wants to change. She has to change, she knows that.

When she's done she looks in the mirror, nodding in approval at her new hairstyle. It doesn't look too bad, not as bad as she thought it would. She smiled and looks around for something to clean all the hair from the floor, before escaping from the bedroom window to meet Summer.

Her eyes settle on a towel, placing all the hair in it. Taking one last look in the mirror before quietly opening the window and sneaking out. She grins to herself as her feet hit the ground, breathing in the fresh air.

She had changed, and they would just have to get used to it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

**Warning: Drugs, and implied sexual activities and M rated words. **

**~ Chapter Three ~ **

Rachel laughed loudly as she stood outside the school with Summer and her friends. She was becoming part of their group now, and it had been two whole weeks since the whole thing had started and if she was honest, she was enjoying herself more than she ever had before.

She puffed on the cigarette in her hand and then rolled her eyes when Kurt and Tina started to approach them. She hated to admit it but she missed all of them so much, but of course she would never let anyone else know that – not even them. They were her best friends and she had just ditched them, she felt bad but she knew they were all better off without her holding them back. It was better like this, better for everyone. She would just ruin everything for them – she was like that, or so she thought, she ruined everything she touched. She hated herself for getting close to them, she never deserved their friendship.

"You missed Spanish today, I took down some notes for you." Kurt held out a small, pink notebook, pleading with the girl to just take it. She just looked unsure and stared at Summer for a moment but she just laughed and turned away from the three girls. Rachel took one more look at her and then back at Kurt and Tina,

"Whatever, screw Spanish and screw you, freaks." She made sure her words were filled with so much venom, as much as she could find just so they would leave her alone. She was trouble, it's all she was. She was turning into the type of person that her dads warned her against, she just wanted the two to be safe – and sometimes, the only way to make sure they were okay, was to make them give up on her. She didn't feel like bringing them down with her, it wasn't fair on them.

She sighs as their faces drop, walking away quietly, " Yeah, walk away losers!" Summer shouted behind them, smirking.

"Don't rub it in." Rachel muttered, watching Summer light another cigarette. She had stood there and watched as the two walked away, she had everything before and now she had nothing. She had the one thing she had always wanted, though – she didn't want to feel anything, no pain and no sadness. Just like she always wanted.

"Hey, want to get out of this place?" Summer finally asks as Rachel went to walk back into the school for the next lesson, before nodding slowly as she was unsure if she would be able to turn the offer down, "We have to run then." She whispers, winking at Rachel before taking off.

"Oh god." Rachel mutters, running to catch up with the other girl. "Simon is meeting us at the gates. You know if you're spotted, there will be a phone call home?" Rachel shrugged, reminding the girl that nobody was home at the moment, smiling as Summer nodded, neither of them actually caring if their parents were called.

"Just walk until I tell you to run, okay?" Rachel just nodded, loving the rush that breaking the rules she used to hold so close to her, gave now. The excitement had been something she had yearned for, and for a little while Glee club had given her that but that soon ended.

"RUN!" She laughed when she spotted none other than Mr. Shue heading towards them. Summer managed to get there before Rachel, and jumped over the tiny, pointless school gate. Rachel soon followed, grinning when she saw Simon.

Everything was a blur after that, she had never felt so good but so bad at the same time. They ran from school – with Simon – and ended up in the mall. Summer started stealing some clothes, which Rachel soon joined in. It wasn't long until they were caught, and Rachel could just remember that it was the fastest she had ever run in her life. And then they ended up at her house.

The small bits inbetween had faded into one misty memory.

They all giggled loudly as Rachel and Simon collapsed on the floor, both breathing heavily as Summer sat on the bed, lighting her fourth batch of pot that day. "Don't be so selfish." Rachel whined, lifting her hand up and grinning when Summer handed her some, taking no time in lighting it with the help of Simon.

She watched him as he moved to his side, watching her, "I'll be right back, don't do anything I wouldn't do." Summer spoke up, walking out of the room as she winked at them. Rachel just shook her head, and then stared at Simon, who was still laying next to her with his hand on his head. She didn't think anything of it when his lips came crashing to hers, in fact, she lets him kiss her. Since hanging out with Summer, she had kissed many guys, she had even done more. It wasn't the big deal it once was.

She laughed loudly, somewhat nervously when he moved to lay on top of her, smirking down at the girl. "You're very beautiful." He whispered, Rachel blushed and looked away, not seeing him pull something from his pocket.

"Try this, it's so much better.. it'll give you what you're looking for.. you'll forget everything. I promise." She looked at the small packed in his hands that contained white powder, and she nodded before taking it from him.

He grins and lifts her chin to kiss her lips once more, she pulled away slightly, "How much do you want for it?"

"This is more than enough." He looked down at her, gesturing to their position. She grinned and kissed him full on, hearing the door open but she didn't even bother looking up. She could feel his hand crawling up her stomach. She closes her eyes for a moment, remembering a time when she would have been shaking with discomfort, a time when she would have been nervous – even with Finn, the person she loved so much. She had no idea what was happening to her, she didn't know anything anymore. She would look in the mirror sometimes, and now even recognise the person looking back at her. She doesn't know who she is, who she has become. She doesn't think anyone can anymore. Where was the old Rachel?

~ .. ~

"Rachel, eat your dinner." Her dad looked at his daughter, a stern look on his face. Rachel just shrugged them off, watching as he just shook his head at the shadow that was his daughter. Rachel looks down at the food, pushing her plate away as she gets up from her seat and heads for her bedroom.

"Summer is coming over in a minute, I ain't hungry." She mutters, not even looking either of her dad's in the eyes as she speaks,

"Sit down and eat your dinner, now!" She could feel the anger radiating through the room, and she just grinned, "Whatever Leroy." She could see the hurt in his eyes, but she no longer cared. "Leroy?"

"Yeah.. that's your name, right?" She raised an eyebrow, smirking before folding her arms over her chest. She watched him exchange a look with her daddy, "I'm your dad, Rachel." He whispered, too hurt to be angry anymore.

"Whatever." She heaved a deep sigh, running to the door when it knocks, grinning at the person on the other side. "Hey Berries!" Rachel didn't bother hiding her laugh as she ran to her bedroom with Summer not too far behind her.

"Got anything on you?" She whispers as she shuts the door behind her, grinning when Summer pulls out a packet of white powder, just like the one Simon had given her the other night. She remembered the feeling it had given her, the total freedom and the painless word it had offered.

She watched her friend before copying her actions, and soon enough they're both laying on the floor, giggling like little children. Rachel looks up at the ceiling, watching the shapes and the colours dance around, each one making her giggle, ignoring the banging door, and the shouts coming from her angry and upset dads. She doesn't even notice either of them until a sudden yanking on her arm brings her out of her little dream world. She shakes her head, trying to ignore them as she looked at Summer. "What?"

"It stinks in here." One of them finally spoke up,

"Get out then." She rolled her eyes, trying to remove her arm from his strong grip,

"I want you gone!" Her daddy finally spoke up for what seemed like the first time, pointing at Summer, glaring at the girl when she walked out, "Whatever you say, sir!" She saluted them both, making Rachel giggle.

"How dare you chuck my friend out?" She shouted, pulling her arm from her father, stepping back, only then noticing the packet he held in his clenched fist. She clenches her own for a moment, and then turns around to hide the hot, burning tears running down her face, "What do you want from me?"

"Are you on drugs, Rachel? Are you high right now?" He grabs her shoulder – hard – pulling her around to face him so he can look his daughter in the face, just to see if his little star was in there somewhere. Rachel sighs, admitting defeat, "Whatever, Leroy." She hisses the name out, smirking as she does, "You've caught me. You can't do anything to me. I. Don't. Care."

"You're grounded."

"Whatever, I have a window, what the fuck are you going to do? Seal it up? Bar me in her? Lock me away until I'm the good little star you brought up?" He looks at his daughter, unsure who she even was anymore. But Rachel rolls her eyes, she doesn't know who she is, she doesn't expect anyone else to.

"Get out of my bedroom!" She screams, ignoring the tears running down their faces as she goes to push them out,

"Let's talk about this, Rachel."

"I don't want to talk, I don't need to talk. Just get out and leave me the fuck alone." She screams as loud as she can, slamming it in their faces. She kicks a beer can away from her and watches it roll under her bed. When did it all get so hard?

She sighs loudly and looks at her reflection before jumping from her window, grinning to herself. Nobody rules her, she doesn't care about them anymore. She can do what she wants, when she wants.

And as soon as her feet hit the ground, she does the only thing she has done lately... she runs. She runs as fast as she possibly can, not turning back to look at the house she used to call home, not looking back to her dad's, not turning back to the old Rachel.

And for what? To get a fix.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

**~ Chapter Four ~**

Rachel crawls out of bed, not really seeing, hearing, smelling anything. She can't feel her surroundings, it's all one big, white blur, one huge mess. This isn't the feeling she had longed for. She could feel something now, she had longed to be free of this pain, but this was the opposite.

She clutches her stomach in pain, gritting her teeth as she tries her best to hold back the scream she can feel building up. She closes her eyes for a moment, trying to focus on something, anything but the pain sears through her body, causing her to fall to the ground. She cries out in pain, she thinks, and slowly gets up. Blinded by a white light, she covers her eyes with her shaking hand, never seeing.. never realizing.

Grabbing her phone, she dials the first number that comes into her head. Not really knowing if he would run to his aid, not sure if she even cares if he doesn't come. Maybe she wanted this to end, maybe this was the way things were meant to be.

"Hello? Rachel? Is that you?" She can hear the worry in his voice already and she lightly shakes her head, not wanting to make anything spin more than it already is.

"K-Kurt.." The word comes out, stuttering, full of all the pain she can feel.

"What's wrong?" She can hear voices in the background, Blaine and Mercedes. She sighs as she closes her eyes, "H-help..." She whispers, her voice cracking as tears fall down her pale face.

"Are you at home?" She manages to stutter a yes before dropping her phone and laying her head on the cold bathroom tiles.

"Rachel? Wake up!" She can just about hear Kurt, she can hear him crying, she can hear Mercedes and Blaine shouting. Did she make them angry? What did she do wrong? She groans, opening her eyes slowly, looking at the three faces above her.

"She's so pale, what do we do?" Her eyes flash over to Mercedes as she speaks, Kurt grabbing her hand as he tries to smile, but the tears falling from his face give away the situation. "She's freezing." He whispers, confusing Rachel even more – she doesn't feel cold, she feels boiling. She needs to cool down, she's too hot.

She looks away only to see Blaine, "What have you taken?"

"Nothing.." She mutters, her eyes closing slowly, "Tell me now." She hears him get up and walk over to her bedroom, she can hear him in the background searching for something she could have taken.

"Dunno.." She closes her eyes, she's so tired, she wants to sleep so bad. "Guys!" She hears him speak eventually, he's closer now but she doesn't bother opening her eyes, it hurts too much. She can just hear Mercedes sigh deeply, "Cocaine? Seriously, Rachel?" She sound so angry, so disappointed.

"Sorry.." She whispers, squeezing her eyes tight, never wanting to open them again. She tells herself over and over again to not let them open, this was her time, it was her time to die. She was supposed to leave this way, please, she begs with herself, just let me go.

She listens to an ambulance in the background, Kurt crying, Blaine whispering something to her about how they miss the old Rachel, how they want her to get better. Mercedes is shouting at her and then the door knocks and then... nothing.

Everything around her is blank, there's no life flashing before her eyes, blank... there's a huge white canvas around her, suffocating her, there is no way out of this.. there's no exit.

She keeps her eyes closed and waits for everything to disappear. She waits for death to come and take her into it's arms but all she feels is nothing, she can't see nothing but she doesn't feel dead.. not yet.

**A/N: Please, please review! Next chapter is much longer if people took the time to review! **


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

**Warning: Implied sex and drug taking, and thoughts of suicide. **

**~ Chapter Five ~ **

**Rachel**

I woke up, I actually woke up.

I opened my eyes only to quickly close them again.

I thought I was dead, just for a moment, I thought everything had ended. But then here I am, still alive.

Alive.. using the term lightly, I don't feel alive, I feel like I should have died. And some unknown force has prevented me from dying, it stopped me doing what I wanted more than anything else.

I keep my eyes closed in the hope I won't have to open them again. Now everyone knows what I'm doing, what I have done, and they're all going to hate me even more than they already do. I sigh, slowly opening my eyes again. I look around the clean,I sit white room, pure white just like the blank canvas I was wrapped in when I thought I was dying. Maybe it was just hope, maybe I never really was dying. Maybe.

I look around the room once more, smiling to myself when I see nobody is here. Nobody cares, it's okay. Nobody wants to know about the druggie, I brought this all on myself, I don't even deserve help. No one even cares and that's the way I want it.

**Leroy**

I look at my fragile daughter, squeezing my crying husband's hand as we stare at her, sleeping restlessly. What happened to our baby girl? Why was she doing this to herself?

I sigh as I turn to look around the room, towards her best friends – the people she has abandoned for this new rebellious route she has taken. These were her real friends, I don't even know the other people but I do know they can never love her as much as her original friends. She never called Summer, or Simon, she had called Kurt.

I sit next to Kurt, putting my head in my hands, "Finn broke up with her?" I sigh, trying to understand why he would do that, I knew they had an argument, a massive argument and that was why I had been so off with him but I had no idea he had ended everything.

"Yeah.. she was so upset.. that was kind of what started all this off." I looked at him, "Kind of?"

"Well, she started smoking and talking to Summer beforehand. But the thing with Finn just sent her over the edge." Kurt explained, playing with his hands, tears running down his face slowly. "I don't know... one day she was Rachel; my happy, loud, bossy diva and the next.."

I nod and stand up, "I'm going to go check on her." I mutter, walking back into my husband. I smile when we see her eyes open, she just nods at me and turns away from the both of us. I miss my baby girl, our bright star.

"What happened?" Hiram finally asks, breaking the tension between the three of us,

"I don't know, why don't one of you tell me?" Her voice drips with sarcasm, and I sit on the other end of her bed, "You took an overdose. We want to.. no, we need to know why." I reach out to touch her hand but she pulls it away quickly, refusing to look at either me or my husband. I look down at my hands and wait for her to answer,

"I didn't do it on purpose, okay?" She rolls her eyes and stares at the blank wall in front of her,

"Why would we believe you?"

"I don't know, I don't care either way, just leave me the hell alone." I nod and grab my husbands hand, walking out with him. I wonder where the old Rachel went, thinking about what could have happened to my little star to make her like this. I approach a doctor on my way out of her room, I have to do this. I need to help her.

**Rachel**

"Whatever." I sigh and look at my nails, I am really not interested. Leroy and Hiram look at me but I know they don't really care about me, I'm not even their real daughter. They want me fixed, they need me to be a star so they can show me off. I roll my eyes at the psychologist in front of me, "There's nothing wrong with me."

"You took an overdose, how can you say that?" Hiram, my daddy, the quiet one shouts at me, and for a moment I feel a stab of pain but instead, I roll my eyes and turn away from him.

"You know what? They don't like me doing anything, neither of them like me having friends, they don't want me to be happy. I am going, I can't even be bothered with all your crap." I grab my bag next to me and walk out of there as fast as I can, ignoring my father's calls behind me.

They can't help me, the psychologist had admitted that much when I first came here a week ago. She told me that unless I want help, nothing will work. Well, guess what? Not only do I not want help, I don't need it.

~ .. ~

"Yeah, I'll grab something now, hang on. Let me look." Rachel looked behind her to make sure neither of her dads were looking or listening as she walks into the bathroom, looking in the medicine cabinet. "Here we are. These should work."

"I'll be there soon, speak then." She hung up and turned around, grinning to herself at the thought of finally being able to get high with her friends.

"What are you doing?" Leroy grabbed his daughters arm as she tried to walk out of the bathroom, shaking her head,

"Nothing, get off me." She mutters, pulling away from him and trying to walk past the angry man. But before she could even react, the pills were out of her hand, and she was pinned against the wall. She cries out in pain, but instead of running to his daughter's side, like he would always do, he ignores her and Rachel can see the anger in his eyes.. the hate.

"Get off me!" She screams, ignoring the tears falling down her pale face as she grits her teeth, trying to get away from him,

"You're not going anywhere, especially not with them." He points towards the scattered pills on the bathroom floor, and Rachel starts to cry again, pushing him backwards, "Please let me go." She can feel her own anger building up, bubbling to the surface as she glared at her dad, "Just leave me alone!" She screeches, pushing him as hard as she possibly can before running out of the door.

~ .. ~

"Hey, got anything for me baby?" She grins as she runs up to Simon, red eyed and shaking, watching as he reaches into his pockets before leaning to give her a kiss that she quickly returns. His hands are on her waist and she knows she needs this, she needs to be close to someone, to feel something for just a quick moment.

She smirks when he pulls her down onto the dirty couch, his hands moving down to her thighs. She moans against his lips and presses against him, watching him pull his pants down quickly, licking his lips in greed. She thought about the old Rachel for a second, just for a moment before kissing his neck and pulling her own top off.

His hands explored her body, and she was suddenly well aware of the other people in the room. She wanted to care again, but she couldn't. She thought about the stash, and closed her eyes.

She sat up quickly when it was over, her own chest pressing against his as she run her tongue along his lower lip. "You're just so sexy." He whispers in her ear, holding her close. She smiles at him and takes the pack from him when he hands it to her, getting dressed quickly. "I'll see you later, okay?" She stands up, giving him one last kiss before running back to Summer.

She felt numb, she couldn't feel anything at all but she knew she was scared, so scared. She just wanted it to be like it was before, but it was too late now and nothing could ever be the same again, she would never be the same person and as much as she wishes she could be, it was too late. She was too deep in this.

"I don't want to go back home for a while." She finally says to Summer,

"You can stay with me." The girl beams as Rachel thought about Kurt, and the amazing musical themes sleepovers they used to have. It could never be like that with Summer, it wasn't that type of friendship.

Rachel didn't go home for another sixteen days.

~ .. ~

Her pale face, tired eyes, shaking hands and sudden, drastic weight loss gave away where she had been, and who she had been with. Her dad's shook her head when she finally walked back into the house, Hiram immediately phoning the police to let them know she was finally home.

They watched as she crawled up to her bedroom, slamming the door behind her. Rachel, behind closed doors, lay on her bed, her eyes closed as she lit some pot.

~ .. ~

Mr Shue looked over at Rachel as she carved her name into her desk, and sighed, Miss Berry, could you tell me one verb in this sentence?" He pointed to the sentence he had written on the board.

Rachel sighed when she heard someone call her name again, and again, she was too tired to even care. She eventually looked up and shrugged before looking back down when she saw the man she used to admire so much, "Did you hear me?"

She mutters, "Yes."

"Well?" Rachel groaned and then looked at her ex-friends as they stared at her, shaking her head and closing her eyes for a moment, trying to think of that damn question. She opened them again and looked at Kurt for just a second before grabbing her bag.

"Whatever. Spanish is a load of bullshit anyway, I don't care about you or this stupid lesson." She shouted loudly, walking out of the classroom and slamming it hard behind her.

~ .. ~

"I'm really sorry, Mr Berry, Mr Berry." Figgins frowned and looked at the two men, "We have no choice."

"You can't suspend her from school, she won't do it again, will you, Rachel?" Hiram looked over at his daughter, sighing when she was just sitting there with her arms crossed over her chest, staring out the window.

"She will, Mr Berry, will all respect. I have given her many warnings. How about this.. just, get her sorted out. She's a good kid underneath, she's just mixed up at the moment. Mr Shue, if you please?" He looked at the man, who nodded and gave the two men some leaflets for a rehab camp.

"I know it's not really my place to say but I know Rachel is an amazing girl, and so do you. I am willing to give her a second chance, but when I know she is okay again. She's just lost her way." Leroy nodded, knowing the two men were right, "Thank you."

He took the leaflets from the extended hand of the Glee club teacher and smiled a little before standing up.

Rachel rolled her eyes when they got home, being sent straight to her bedroom. She thought maybe they would have known better by now. She had seen the leaflets in their pockets, they couldn't dare send Rachel there, he hadn't said anything in the car, though, so Rachel could only hope she was right.

She sighs as she sits down on her bed, wondering where Summer is right now. She sits there, just thinking for a moment before grabbing her purse and jumping out the window. She ran as fast as she could to Summer's house, grinning when she saw the girl open the door.

"I'm so glad you're here, there's this big house party tonight." Rachel smiled and followed her into the house, grabbing a cigarette from her.

~ .. ~

"What do you want?" Finn frowned at his step-brother, sighing. He had noticed the change in his ex-girlfriend lately, he hated it.

"Rachel is in trouble, we need your help."

"Trouble?" Mercedes nodded and then looked over at Puck,

"There's this massive house party tonight but the police know about it, and about halfway through the party, they're going to raid the place. We don't want to warn everyone, just Rachel, we need to get her out of there before the police get there."

Finn rolled his eyes, "Why would the police care about some stupid teenage party?"

"Drugs." Tina replied simply, Finn looked away for a second, trying to picture the recent Rachel, trying to put it all together. Rachel was going to a party that would be full of drugs, Rachel.. his Rachel... he looked back at them and shook his head, his eyes widening as he realized what was going on.

"No.. she's not.." He trailed off and stared at his friends,

"She is, Finn, and we're really worried about her, please, just this once... can you help us?" He noticed the plead in Kurt's voice and he nodded, standing up to join them as they walked off.

"Rachel's dad called me earlier, he told us that she ran away after trying to steal some pills, and when she came back, she was suspended from school and ran off again. Then Puck heard about this party, and the raid at Summer's house tonight. We put two and two together. Her dads said she always runs to Summer and Simon." Finn nodded slowly, refusing to look at any of them,

"It's all my fault." He whispered,

"I think... I think that you sent her off the edge, to be honest." Kurt looked out the window, sighing.

"I didn't mean to.. I just.. it was all too much. She was smoking, hanging out with Summer... I thought she was just trying to be popular. I couldn't handle the fact that dating me was changing her, I thought if we broke up, she would stop."

"I don't know why she started in the first place, Finn, but something was wrong. You should have seen that." Puck muttered angrily, they all should have noticed, but Finn should have known. All Finn could do was nod, he should have seen the pain she was in and he should have asked her about it. He never should have jumped to the conclusion that it was because she wanted to live up to being as popular as he was. He shouldn't have thought it was all too much for him to handle, he could have helped her, he could have stopped this.

He wiped a tear that fell down his face before anyone could notice. He still loved her so much, he never wanted to see her hurt. He didn't want her to be in pain but he knew he had only made things worse through his own selfishness.

It was dark by the time they pulled up and party was in full motion. Finn groaned when he opened the door, looking at the amount of people in the party. "How are we supposed to find her?" He moaned while following the rest of the Glee kids into the crowded house.

"SUMMER!" Finn looked at Blaine when he heard the boy scream, following him towards the girl. "Where's Rachel?" Kurt asked, glaring at her,

"I don't know." Summer shrugged and looked behind her to make sure Simon was there. Finn frowned, staring in shock when Kurt clenched his fist and slammed Summer into the wall behind her.

"She's upstairs... jeeze people, live a little." Kurt shook his head in disgust, before running up the stairs. More shock was waiting for him when they walked into one bedroom, to find a half naked Rachel snorting coke on the floor. The guy she was with was completely naked, watching her as he played with her hair.

Finn had to stop himself from crying, looking at the girl he loved so much. She looked terrible, she looked as though anything or anyone could break her. He didn't even want to know what they had been doing before they walked in.

He felt Puck push past him and grab the guy sitting next to Rachel, punching him hard in the face. Rachel just sat there, not even bothering to cover herself up – she was too out of it to care.

Finn took off his jacket, walking up to her, not looking at Kurt or Blaine as he walked past them. He didn't see the tears falling down their face, didn't see the fear in their eyes. He wrapped his jacket around the shaking girl and tried to smile at her, trying to hide his own fear.

She looked away from him, reaching out to grab the drugs, finally looking him in the eyes when he grabbed her wrist and shook his head. He lifted her with no trouble, glad when she didn't bother struggling in his arms, instead, wrapping her arms around his neck.

He smiled at her when they got to the car, her eyes were glazed over and he wondered if she even knew where she was. He put on her seatbelt, placing a cushion by her head before getting into the car. "Lock the doors." Puck whispered, before Finn obliged, none of them knowing what she was capable of.

He jumped in shock when he heard Rachel scream loudly, he watched the tears fall down her face as she banged on the window, like this sudden monster had been released. She carried on screaming and screaming but they all ignored her, knowing that the police would be at the house very soon. She kicked and she shouted, cried and screamed for them to let her out. But Finn just carried on driving to her house, not knowing the horror that was about to come...


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: See last chapter!**

**~ Chapter Six ~**

Rachel sighed and closed her eyes as she just stood there after her shower; Finn and her dads were sitting around the table, talking to each other while Mercedes, Puck and Kurt were sitting on the couch.

She tried to think of a way to get out of this, she had to do something to make up for it all. "I'm really sorry." She murmured, sitting on her daddy's lap, "I really am." She nuzzled her head in his neck and wrapped her arms around him. She felt him sigh and wrap his arms around her tight.

"It won't happen again." She glared over at Kurt who just snorted before he walked to the kitchen, slamming the cup he had been holding down on the counter.

"It's okay.. it was all a mistake." Mercedes offered, giving the girl a small smile, which Rachel just nodded at.

"A MISTAKE?" She jumped when she heard glass smash on the floor, grabbing on tighter to her daddy. She noticed her two dads shake their head at Kurt, and she watched as he walked over to her,

"You've been doing this for months now, you're lucky we got you out of there tonight otherwise, any Broadway career you want would have been ruined and you would be spending a few nights in a grubby prison cell with your druggie best friends." Rachel shook her head,

"They're not druggies..."

"Whatever, Rachel.. I don't care about them. Look at yourself, you're sweating and shaking now and you haven't gone.. what?" He looked at his watch, "One hour, not even one hour since your last hit and look at you.." He shook his head in disgust, and Rachel slowly crawled out of her daddy's lap.

"Whatever, sorry we're not all perfect."

"Have you even looked in the mirror lately? You are a mess. I can't even stand to look at you anymore, you make me sick. You've let yourself get like this, and you don't even care. You're pathetic; you've been kicked out of school, we needed you in Glee and you didn't give a shit. You're a stupid, little girl who turned to drugs and alcohol to drown out your pathetic problems. You've become nothing more than a cheap whore." He spat every word out with such venom, Rachel could feel herself shaking with anger as she tried to walk away from everyone,

"That's it.. you leave. Run to your secret stash." Kurt shouted from behind her, Rachel felt the tears sting at her eyes and she closed them tight, "I'm not a whore.." She whispered, turning back to look at her best friend.

"And that's why we found you half naked in an empty bedroom with a naked man.. right.. no.. you're not a whore." Rachel turned a bright shade of red, seeing the look on her father's faces as she turned to the kitchen counter and grabbed a knife that was laying on the counter. She ignored the shouts when she pointed it at Kurt,

"Take it back!" Her hand shook, anger only rising when Kurt just laughed, Mercedes screamed, her dads and Finn's chairs scraped back on the wooden floor and Puck had to be held back.

"You wouldn't dare, you don't have the guts." Kurt looked away for a moment, looking at his friends, rolling his eyes.

Rachel saw Finn creeping towards them, "Put the knife down." She span towards him quickly with the knife and shook her head,

"What are you even doing here, Finn? You broke up with ME! Get the hell out of here, I don't even want you near me."

"I love you, Rachel.. please put the knife down." He tried to reach out but Rachel put the knife to her own neck and shook her head, her whole body shaking with rage, "It's my life, leave me alone." She wiped her tears with her spare hand, looking over at her dads who were trying to walk towards her slowly. "Put it down, baby."

"Just leave me alone. All of you." She whispered, dropping the knife to the floor before running to her bedroom, crying as she leaned against the door. She just wanted to die, why wouldn't they just let her die?

She shook her head as she got up and locked the door, looking around the bedroom for something.. anything. She grabbed the scissors by the side of her bed and looked in the mirror, Kurt's words ringing through her head;

_Have you even looked in the mirror lately.. you look a mess. _

Rachel nodded in agreement, she did look terrible. She stumbled to her bed, looking at the scissors for a moment before digging them as deep as she could into her wrist, dragging them to make one line across her shaking wrist. She smiled at the blood that quickly slipped out, laying back on the bed as she tried to think about something else, trying to forget about the increasing amount of blood she could hear hitting the floor, making a small puddle of dark blood liquid, surrounding her bed.

It was what separated her from everyone else, separated her from everything she never wanted to hear. Because sometimes, people lie to themselves because the truth hurts too much. Kurt had only confirmed her fears, she wasn't Rachel Berry anymore, she was just a stupid, horrible druggie whore who never deserved to be here anymore.

She didn't want to be here.

She wanted the pain to end.

Maybe.

Just maybe.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

**~ Chapter Seven ~**

Rachel

I wake up again...

I didn't even want to wake up, more so than last time and yet here I am, opening my eyes slowly. Why can't I get anything right? I can't even die.

I sigh and look outside the window at my dads, they look at me sadly and turn away, not even bothering to come inside this time, instead choosing to stand outside to talk to a Doctor. I close my eyes and imagine being somewhere else, anywhere other this place. As long as it was away from here, I don't care. As far away from these white walls, suffocating me slowly. They were so clean – so unlike me. I can't even stand to look at them anymore. It's not fair. I shouldn't be here, the people who deserved to be here, and were supposed to be here needed help. I didn't need help and I didn't deserve it.

Five words just keep running through my head; _I can't even kill myself. _

I close my eyes wishing I could go back in time and change everything I've let myself become, everything I did to myself. This wasn't how I wanted my life to be, this wasn't how I imagined getting to New York would feel like – at this rate, I'd never live my dreams; are they even my dreams anymore?

I never wanted this, it was never meant to go this far. Everything got out of hand and now I don't even know how to make everything better, I don't know how to change. A lone tear falls down my cheek and I turn on my side, thinking of how it would be so much better if I had died. It would have been so much easier for me and everyone else.

It's not too long until I'm out of that hell hole, the whole time I was laying there wishing I could see my friends – well, the two I had left – Simon and Summer.

Mercedes, Kurt, Finn and Puck and the rest of the Glee club probably never want to see me again and I can't even blame them, not after what I put them through. I wouldn't hate them if they never speak to me again, if they never want to be my friend again. I would probably feel the same.

I don't know what came over me that night, I don't know what happened to the old me. It seems like so much built up and I took it out on the only people who have ever cared about me, who have accepted me into their arms and actually befriended me. I had lost the first real friends I ever had thanks to my own weaknesses.

I sling my bag over my shoulder, I haven't been anywhere since I got out of hospital a few days ago, I've been completely numb; I just lay in my bed, trying not to think or do anything. I just lay there, staring at my ceiling. I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't drink, I wouldn't even bother with the hidden drugs beneath my floorboards. I couldn't move or speak, I just thought about how I shouldn't be here, how I didn't want to be here.

I sigh loudly and glance at my floor, knowing my secret stash is hidden beneath. I shake my head and bite my lip, knowing I've gone this long without touching anything, I can go a little longer. I walk out of my bedroom, manage a smile at my dads before grabbing a piece of toast before telling them I'm going to the school to sort some stuff out.

I walk into the choir room, sighing. I wasn't allowed to be here, I wasn't supposed to be in school but I just need to speak to them. I take a deep breath, grinning when I see them, "Hey guys." Finn and Puck nod at me and look away, towards Kurt and the others, all of them trying to avoid my eyes,

"Please... don't ignore me." I whisper, looking down at the floor,

"What? Do you expect us to be best friends again after what you've done?"

"I don't expect anything.. but.. I'm sorry.. it won't happen again. I'm so sorry." I look up, in the hopes of getting a reaction from one of them,

"Sorry doesn't cut it, Rachel, come on guys." Kurt walked away from her, taking the others with him as they slowly walked out of the room. "Please!" I shout behind them all,

"Until you get yourself sorted out, we aren't allowed to hang out with you anymore." Kurt sighs, a glimpse of sadness in his eyes before he turns around to walk off again. I nod and watch them all walk away, Puck turning around and mouthing sorry before carrying on with the rest of them. I was the one who should be sorry, not them. Not him, never him.

I shake my head, realizing my whole body is shaking. I look around and sigh, I couldn't take any of this anymore. I run all the way home, ignoring my dads when they try and talk to me when I sprint through the door and to my bedroom. I lock the door and scramble to the floorboards, staring at my hidden stash. I look away for a minute, thinking of a reason not to get high right here and now but there weren't any.

I smile to myself as I grab the packet, almost greedily holding it close to me. This was just who I am now, this is my life now and I – along with everyone else – would just have to accept it.

~ .. ~

She wakes up the next morning feeling so much better than she had in so long. She smiles, remembering last night. Even when she was alone, it felt too good. She sighs, hearing voices outside, trying to ignore them. She could hear the distinct tones of her fathers but she couldn't make out the whispering person. Like that person didn't want Rachel to know they were here, like they had something to hide.

Rachel rolls her eyes and makes her way downstairs, her eyes settling on the scene of her fathers and her mother sitting around the dining table. She shakes her head and laughs bitterly, "What the fuck is she doing here?"

"She's your mother, we thought you could use a mother right now. And she has every right to be concerned about you."

"Don't be. I am absolutely fine." 

"No you are not. Look at you, you are a mess. You need to get your priorities sorted, young lady." She rolls her eyes and stands up, staring at her only escape route, trying to ignore her mother – not _mom –_ speaking to her. "Here, I have some amazing rehabilitation camps for you to attend." Shelby tries to hand the girl some leaflets, but her daughter just looks away.

Leroy, her father, speaks up, "You don't have to look at them, Rachel..." A glimpse of hope flickers in Rachel's eyes, until her other father speaks up, "We will choose for you, we don't mind."

"No.. you said.. you said you loved me. Why would you do this to me?" She turns to the both of them, glaring.

"Because you're not the same Rachel anymore, we need you back." She shakes her head and gets up, eyeing the door. She can tell by the looks on the three adults faces that they know what is going to happen, she can see it in their eyes but she's too fast for all of them. She grabs the door handle and runs as fast as she possibly can to Summer's. She's the only person she has left, she's the only one who will keep her safe from everything and everyone.

~ .. ~

"I hate you!" Rachel screams as loud as she can towards both her dads and the woman who told her so long ago that she was not her mom, she was her mother. She shook her head as she's dragged into a large, blue van, ignoring tears falling down her face as she glares at them,

"I will kill you. You made them do this to me, the three of you are dead to me!" She looks away from them when she is seated in the van, not even able to look at any of them any longer. She shakes her head as angry tears stream down her face, she won't let them win though. She doesn't need help, not that she thought she did, anyway.

She didn't look at anyone else when she was put on a huge bus, it wasn't packed but it wasn't empty. It was full of pathetic teenagers all with their own problems – but she didn't have a problem, she kept trying to convince herself. She was just too much trouble for anyone to bother with.

She sighed as she sits in a seat in the back, away from everyone else. She has no idea where she's being taken, and she didn't care because she wasn't going to be there for long before her daddy and dad came running, begging her to forgive them.

"Right! Listen up, anything I or any other counsellor here tells you to do, you do. Whether you want to or don't, whether you like it or not, you will do it, got that?" Everyone nodded slowly but Rachel just rolled her eyes, "There are a lot of rules here, and you will follow each and every single one of them."

He looked over towards the back, "And for those of you who think you will be immune to those rules, such as wannabe diva over there, think again." Rachel raised an eyebrow, getting off the bus when he said so, bumping into an older woman on her way out.

"What is this?" She grabbed the cigarettes Rachel thought she had hidden so carefully in her coat,

"Give them back, they're mine."

"Think again, young lady, now that you've heard the rules, don't try and push your luck here. I am going to be on your back for the next six weeks, so watch every single step you take."

Rachel scoffed and walked away, "Whatever."

"I've seen people like you come here before me, I know how to handle small-town girls who had such big dreams."

"You don't know fuck all about me."

The woman dragged Rachel towards everyone else, "I know your type, I know all the crap you pull and the kind of crap you are going to try and pull." Rachel sighed when she realized she would have to put up with this woman for the next six weeks. She wouldn't be here for that long though, it would be okay, they would all see that she didn't belong here, they would notice.

"Now, you're all here to change your lives and realize what you have done wrong and why you are here right now." Rachel rolled her eyes and scoffed at the man in front of her, "Do you have a problem?" He bent down next to her and looked right into her eyes, making her feel uncomfortable,

"With all this bullshit? Yes, yes I do."

"Don't think for a second you can get away with this behaviour here, this place will teach you how to find yourself all over again."

"Give me a break." She mutters when he stands up, ignoring the glare on his face as he stares back down at her, "I knew we would have trouble with you, we know all about you, now drop and give me twenty."

Rachel laughed and shook her head, "What do you think this is? The army?"

"It is whatever I make it to be, thirty."

"No."

"Fourty."

"What?"

"Fifty."

She groaned and lay down on the snowy ground, rolling her eyes every single time he counted one she did, as he went over the rules to everyone else. "Maybe that will teach you a lesson." He looked around when she was down, still going over the rules once more.

She sighed and knelt back down and packed her bag for the camping trip they were being forced to participate in. She looked to make sure nobody was looking as she grabbed the kitchen knife next to her, slipping it in her bag. She sighed when everyone else got up and she did the same. It would be a long six weeks.

Soon, night time descended upon them and they were forced to set up camp. Rachel sat there and watched everyone else try to light a fire, finding it hilarious at their failed attempts. She looked away from them every single time anyone even looked at her, taking no interest in anyone else at all. She didn't know anything about camping, she had never been before and she hated the whole experience already.

She shook her head and watched the other group light their fire, as they all sat down to eat their food. But she didn't care, she didn't need food, she was never hungry. She closes her eyes, seeing her life before all of this happened, before she decided she completely lost everything she worked so hard to achieve.

She shuddered, pulling her knees to her chest, her head on her knees as she tries not to think about the worst that could happen here. She hated herself for letting them bring her here, she blamed herself. She knew she had to deal with the consequences of her actions, but she still resented everyone around her.

"Team work, Rachel." Someone touched her shoulder, causing her to jump up quickly, putting her arms over her chest protectively. She ignored the shocked looks on everyone else's faces and shook her head as she looked at the counsellor, "Whatever. I don't care." She muttered, sitting back down, looking away from her group. Who cared if they didn't eat anyway? She just wanted to go home, she knew her fathers would never let her stay if they heard she wasn't eating at all. They would take her home and let her move on herself.

That night she looked at her fellow 'campers' sleeping before grabbing the kitchen knife out of her bag, smiling at it. She thought about how she didn't belong here, all these people around her deserved help but she didn't. She was only here because her parents could no longer handle her, it wasn't what they signed up for after all. She wasn't here because she had to be, she was here because they wanted her to be.

She sighed, dragging the knife across her wrist as deep as she could. She grinned when she felt the pain trickle through her body, it felt so good, it was the only real thing she had felt in so long. She felt happy seeing the blood trickle down her wrist, it almost felt good to know that she was still alive, that the old Rachel was still there deep, deep down.

She wrapped an old shirt around her bleeding wrist and wiped the tears falling down her face before looking up at the night sky. It was so hard to imagine the person she was a year ago, she could barely remember it. But she knew her life was so much better; she had friends, a life, dreams and a wonderful boyfriend.

"I have nobody... I am nobody." She whispered to herself before closing her eyes tight.

_Three weeks later; _

"Hey." Rachel looked up at the girl standing over her and sighed, she was sitting on the grass in her own little world. She had been in this camp for three whole weeks and had to speak to anyone to help at all. She was still waiting for the day people would realize she didn't belong here, and the day they would tell her she could go home.

Rachel looked away at the other girl, her 'hiking buddy' since they had arrived at the camp. She hadn't said one word to her, and she wanted to keep it that way. The girl just smiled though and sat down next to her, as though Rachel's blatant ignorance was an invitation for her to sit down and speak some more.

Rachel looked away and stared out at the mountain they were about to hike. She looked at the top, this time tomorrow or maybe the next day, they would be halfway there. She bit down on her lip, wondering what would be on the other side – her parents? Her friends? Nobody? Just more loneliness and pain and more hate waiting for her.

Maybe there was nobody left waiting for her. She had let everyone down, why would they even waste any thought on her? Why would they wait for her to be better when they had so much more on their minds?

She looked down as she thought about everything she had messed up, ignoring her best friends and her family, she thought she knew best when she obviously never did. She didn't know anything, she was the only one who had messed everything up so much. She was the one who should have listened to them, she never should have made friends with Summer just to get back at Finn. She never should have lost her way.

She shook her head, thinking; 'I shouldn't be here, I don't belong here.'

"Look, none of us want to be here, but we're all trying to get along and you need to make the effort as well." Rachel sighed, knowing the other girl was right, none of them had exactly asked to be put here. Every single one of them was here because someone else had made the decision to send them here, all of them had been forced to be here. Nobody had chosen this.

She nodded and then looked at the girl properly, it was the first time she had more than glanced at someone since she got here. She took in her appearance – her mousy, brown hair, hazel eyes, pale complexion. She was pretty but not beautiful, her beauty was subtle. Rachel smiled a little and shrugged, "I know.. I just.. I don't have a problem."

"You don't think you have a problem but that may not necessarily be the case." Rachel laughed a little and held out her hand politely, "Rachel." The other girl grinned and flicked her hair from her face, shaking Rachel's hand,

"Gemma."

"So, why are you here?" Rachel grabbed a stick and carved her name into the mud as Gemma looked away,

"I-I don't know.. I take a lot of drugs, constantly in and out of hospital because I keep overdosing. I just want to die.." She paused and looked at Rachel who just nodded, a small frown on her face to let the girl know that she was paying attention.

"These boys in school.. they did something to me at a party and I guess I went off the rails a little because nobody believed me." She whispered, Rachel watched the tears falling down Gemma's face so she grabbed her hand and smiled,

"I believe you." She nodded and wiped the tears away, smiling, "Thank you.. I can't tell you how much that means to me."

"I don't know what I would do if that happened to me and nobody would believe me. I think.. I'd have reacted the same way as you, to be honest." Rachel looked away from her new friend and towards the mountain, wondering what she would have done if something bad had actually happened to her, wondering if something bad had ever happened to her.

"What about you? Why are you here?" Rachel shrugged and wrinkled her nose,

"I um.. I did a lot of drugs, as well.. I go to a load of parties, drink a lot. I do stuff with boys... I abandoned all my friends and my family, my dreams to be a Broadway star, completely gave up on Glee.. I guess no one wants me around."

"Why?" Rachel thought for a moment and shook her head, trying to fight the tears,

"I don't know why... I have no idea what happened to me. I guess I let everything get on top of me.." She sighed, and Gemma seemed to accept it, she looked at Rachel for a moment and squeezed her hand which was still in hers. "I saw you hurt yourself last night.. I've seen you do it a few times.. you need to stop."

Rachel quickly pulled away and wrapped her arms around her knees, "I thought everyone was asleep."

"I won't tell anyone, don't worry. It's just.. if you don't stop, you won't be able to go home in three weeks." Rachel snapped her head to look at Gemma with a confused look on her face, "They send people like us to this place; it's like a massive school with teenagers who cause too much trouble to those around them. It's like this place but without the walking, it's the step after this. They try and cure you and if it doesn't work, they keep you there and keep sending you back and forth between here and there." She sighed, and looked down at the ground,

"Have you been there?" Rachel whispered, biting her lip when the girl nodded, "How many times?"

"If I have to go back again this time, it will be my third time." Rachel nodded and took a deep breath, "It's horrible there, they're so strict. You're not allowed off premises unless you're good and even then it is with your parents. They make you hate yourself even more, even when they don't mean to." Gemma looked away before standing up, "Hopefully you can go home, though."

Rachel nodded and smiled, "Hopefully." Rachel got up and put her arm around the other girls shoulder as they walked back to the camp. She noticed one of the counsellors mutter something to another once they looked at the two girls and Rachel just nodded at them and sat down next to her bag, looking at Gemma when she sat next to her.

Rachel liked the other girl because she was so quiet, it meant there wasn't any awkward silences between the two because neither of them felt the need for small talk. They both liked to think, neither minded the silence. She looked around the camp fire, it was 'circle time' again. Every single night there is a different question, a question that Rachel will refuse to answer or mutter a pointless, one worded answer.

"Tonight we are going to get serious, we want to know why you think you are here. Carl, will you start please?" The boy sitting next to the counsellor nodded and stared into the fire, Rachel just rolled her eyes having no idea what to say.

"I think I am here because my mom didn't want to see me hurt myself any longer. I would home every single night drunk, and violent and I would lash out at her for no reason and then I would run to my bedroom and hurt myself." Rachel looked at the deep scars on his arms and thought about her own.

"She couldn't stand it anymore and I don't blame her. Being here, with everyone, you've all helped me so much." He quickly glanced over at Rachel, before turning away again and she knew it meant everyone except her. She wondered if he was just saying it please the counsellors or if he actually felt like that. She bit down on her lip, thinking about what she could say.

She sighed when they finally got to her and she looked down at the ground, thinking, always thinking and never speaking. She finally took a deep breath, "I guess... I'm here because my parents couldn't handle my behaviour anymore. They didn't want to handle it. I've become too much of a pain, I'm not the perfect daughter they _bought, _not the one they raised me to be. I cause too much hassle, I let them all down." She sighed and looked at Gemma, begging her to take over with her eyes but the counsellor shook his head,

"Carry on, Rachel." She shook her head and shrugged, "I have nothing more to say."

"Why don't you tell everyone why you feel that way?"

"Because.. it's the truth." He shook his head and gave her a small smile, "Besides that."

"I guess... I.. I look into my dads eyes every single day and I see all the hurt I caused them, I have to see all the disappointment, the anger and the sadness. I caused all of that and I don't know how to stop. I was fine last year, I.. I was lead singer of the Glee club, I was happy and loud, and I had a boyfriend and I had dreams.. colleges were knocking on my door... I haven't always been this way. I guess, it hurts them because nothing ever happened to me, they've never hurt me.. nobody has physically hurt me."

"But someone has emotionally?" One girl across from Rachel spoke up, and Rachel stared at her for a moment before nodding,

"Yeah.. I think.. but that only made me worse. I was smoking and stuff before that, I guess it all tipped me over the edge?"

"A boy?" One of the boys wrinkled his nose at the thought of her being here just because of some boyfriend she once had, she laughed a little and nodded, "I loved him a lot and he couldn't handle the new path I had chosen for myself. He said he didn't want me anymore, that he wouldn't waste his precious time with someone like me." She sighed and looked up at Robert but he shook her head, pressing her to continue on; "Think about something that happened before; secrets, parents.. something.."

She just shrugged, "Um.. my father's are gay, and they had a surrogate have me and... um, yeah.. that's a long story but.. basically, she found me sixteen years later, and I thought I could have a relationship with my mom but she told me.. and I quote 'I'm your mother but I'm not your mom.' and I remember telling myself not to cry, because I never wanted her to see me like that.. it hurt so much. And now, she just keeps coming back, determined to hurt me more and more each time."

"I'm sure that's not true, some people don't know how to be good parents... and because your mom wasn't there for you, and she never got to know you because of the situation, it doesn't mean that she doesn't still care for you. It's very hard when you have sixteen year old girl you haven't seen for her whole life. It's hard to know how to react." Rachel nodded at Sammie, the girl who always spoke up; she was intelligent and beautiful. She was here because she couldn't go one hour without her next hit, she was abused by her own mother when she was younger. Rachel remembered her story from a while ago, she had never spoken up though.

"I guess you're right.." Rachel muttered and Samantha smiled and then looked back at the fire in the middle, thinking to herself,

"I had the most amazing friends for the first time in my life and I ruined it all because I wanted to do something different.. I wanted to show everyone that I didn't want them or need them. I started hanging out with Summer and I knew how much everyone would hate me but I was just hurting so much after my mother walked back out of my life again and again. I never wanted anyone else to be dragged into this though, I love them all so much..." She sighed and looked at Gemma once more, hoping Robert would let her pass, smiling when he nodded in understanding. She didn't know what had brought on the sudden change in her, what had made her open up tonight for the first time.

"I'm here because my father hates me, simple as that." She looked at the person next to her but she was told to continue, and Rachel bit her lip and shook her head, knowing Gemma really didn't want to continue.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"You have to."

"No, I don't! What the hell is this?" Rachel watched as she chucked down the stick she had been holding in her hands and stormed off, crying. Rachel looked around for a moment, not too sure what to do before deciding to run off after the girl. "What's wrong?" She walked up behind her as she sat down on the muddy floor, huddled up as she sobbed.

"I don't know anymore, I can't tell anyone. You believed me but that doesn't mean everyone else will." She shook her head and Rachel put her hand on her shaking shoulder, "It will be okay, I promise. I know people will believe you but wait until you're read to tell them. I'll be here to talk to you if you need me." She nodded, whispering a thank you.

Rachel moved a little closer before wrapping an arm around Gemma's waist and resting a head on her shoulder. She smiled as she thought this place wasn't so bad after all, she could leave and it would all be okay. She wondered if things would go back to the way they were before, if she would ever be Rachel Berry again. It was what she wanted, the pain to go away and she wanted all the hate she felt to disappear. It wasn't _too _much to ask for, was it?


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

**~ Chapter Eight~**

Rachel:

I did get to the top of that mountain. I was wrong about what was waiting for me because nothing but my friends that I made during my stay here were on the other side. There were many more miles to go until we were allowed to go home, there would be more mountains to climb, more paths to stumble, more rocks to fall over and more files to trample across.

There was only another week to go; one whole week. One more climb, one more mountain to climb until I could see the people I love most. They would be waiting for me, and then they were going to take me home. I know it. I grin to myself as I think of home. A bed. A kitchen. A toilet. I grin as I think of school and of glee club, I haven't sang in so long. Maybe they would take me back, maybe I could get back on track once more.

"Letters!" Robert shouts as we all wake up the next morning and sit around the camp fire from last night. I smile at Gemma as she grabs her letter from Robert, and I notice she only has one, whereas others, including myself, have several. I look through mine; four letters all together. I smile and open the first, recognising Kurt's writing.

_Dearest Diva, _

_I am so sorry for that night, I know how far I pushed you and I regret it so much. I just miss everything.. I miss the person you used to be (never thought anyone could ever say that about you) but I really do. I miss my best friend, and I miss your annoying, bossy self. It's hard to focus on Glee these days and not see you besides me, competing with everyone for solo's. _

_I really miss you though and when I heard we were allowed to write to you, I took the chance immediately. I love you so much and I really want you to be okay once more, I want the old Rachel back, I want to see that beautiful smile. I miss it all Rachel, I miss you and I wish I hadn't let you go off with Summer and Simon. I should have fought for you harder and I know what you're thinking and yes, you have a mind of your own, and no I wasn't able to tell you what to do but I should have tried, I could see where you were going and where it could lead and now look where you are. _

_When you get out eventually, I hope we can move on from this.. I have every faith that we shall be able to. We won't do it all over again, we cannot handle that pain.. and as much as we miss you, when you're hurting, so are we and we would do anything to stop your pain, we would love to know what caused this but you can't tell us until you find out for yourself and when you do, I hope you can rely on us. I hope you can trust us enough to let us in. _

_I cannot wait to see you. I miss you. _

_Your fellow diva, Kurt. _

I wipe away a tear falling down my face when I fold up the letter and keep it safe in my bag. I hurt my friends so bad when I tried to stop my own pain. I was so selfish. I smile at the handwriting on the next letter and open it quickly,

_Rachel, _

_It's not really the same in Glee club without you, it's so much quieter around here, that's for sure. It's just not right without you, and when you come back to us all, we really hope you're alright. And we want you to know that we will welcome you with open arms whenever you are ready. _

_We spent time looking back on our time together the other day, all of us just sat in a circle and everyone shared a story they had with you – all of which displayed exactly what we miss about you. You have changed so much, and we all wish you hadn't. I don't know what happened, none of us do, but we know you're lost and when you find yourself again, we will be here waiting. We will always be here, Rachel, just like you have always been a huge part of this club.. this family. _

_Next time Rachel, promise me one thing, promise me that you will tell someone that something is wrong, tell us please... we can't help you otherwise and we would love to be able to go back and help you. We want you to be okay again, we want you to be happy. We need to hear that wonderful music coming from your voice. _

_We love you so much and we shall see you soon, much love, Mr Shue and the rest of your family. _

I shake my head and laugh a little, I sure did miss my mentor and the rest of our crazy family. They always made me cry, made me laugh and made me smile, they were my only friends and I had ruined it all.

I look at the two remaining letters and trace my fingers over the tiny writing on one envelope and decide to open the other one first.

_Our beautiful star, _

_We don't know where so much went wrong, and as much as we wish we did, we can't pin point exactly where this all messed up. Now, I know what you're thinking: this was you, not us but we had some play in this, it may have been a delayed reaction to what happened with your mother (we are trying to make ties with her once more, for your sake when you come home) or it may just be growing up without a mother. We don't know if something happened to you one day, we don't know if anything has ever happened to you but we hope nothing did. _

_But at the same time, it could explain why this happened, you were so beautiful, so calm and you were such a wonderful girl. I know Shelby hurt you so much, and she regrets that greatly, and it will all change when you get back. She wants to be a part of your life now, and we hope you will let her. She's moved back to Lima and you can see her whenever you want, we will not mind at all. The three of us have been getting along so well lately, I know it is a bit late but we will try so hard. We can promise that. _

_It's all going to be okay, when you get back home, we will make sure you are happy. We will find out where something went wrong and we will make it okay again. _

_Summer has moved away, she went to Europe with a band, she said her goodbyes. We are so sorry about you losing your friend but maybe it is a good thing. The bad influence is gone, and maybe now you can move on and maybe you can be okay once you come back home. Maybe you will be able to move on from all of this and go back to being the old Rachel Berry we all know and love. _

_We will see you soon, stay safe and stay strong until then baby girl. _

_We love you so much, love dad, daddy and Shelby. _

I put the letter in my bag and let the tears fall down my face, my hands shaking as I reach for the next and last letter. I sigh as I open it to see his beautiful writing – I can tell he's put as much effort as possible into making his writing neat, it makes me smile.

_My Rachel, _

_I am so sorry for everything, I never wanted to break up with you. I still love you so much, I think I always will to be honest. I miss you so much and I wish I could have handled it all, I don't know what was wrong with me. I love you and that will never change. I think you are amazing, beautiful, funny and wonderful. You're so different from Quinn, you're so much better in every single way. You're the one that got away, and if I could turn back time and make sure both of us forgot one thing; that would be it. I would hold you when you cried and I would make sure nothing bad could happen to you. _

_The day we found you in that room, with that man, and you were high.. practically naked.. all I could think about was how lost you looked, how depressed and how desperate. You still looked beautiful, but you were not the Rachel I fell so much in love with, you're not the one I miss, I don't know what happened Rachel, I wish I could figure it out but you're just a closed book. And that is something I never expected with you, you're usually so open and so honest about everything, I hate seeing you this way. _

_I wish I could take away all the pain you are feeling, I want to be able to kiss you and hold you in my arms, I want to tell you everything will be okay, I want to let you know how much I love you. I am always going to be here and I will wait for you and hope that when you get out of that place, you will forgive me and run into my open arms. I will wait for you for as long as it takes. _

_I just want to see you smile again. I need to know you're okay and that you're happy. _

_I love you, you are my world, I have memorized every single thing about you: you're beautiful, chocolate brown eyes, so deep and passionate. The small blush you get every time I go to kiss you in public, the way you look away from me and try to get away when you feel like you want to cry. I love your grin, it makes my heart skip a few beats. I love the way you smile at me when you say hello, I even love the way you frown. You look beautiful even when you're angry. _

_You could be someone, Rachel, you could make anything of yourself one day and when you're better, you are going to carry on doing so well and you will go to New York and you will be on Broadway one day. _

_Right now, you're so far away and I miss you so much. I wish you were here, laying next to me, I wish you were asleep in my arms, I wish I could reach out and hold you right now. I wish I could kiss you. I wish I could hold your hand. And when you come back, I really hope you find it in your heart to forgive me for being so selfish, I miss you so much and I love you.. I want you to be happy. And if being without me makes you happy in the end, then I can accept that. Just as long as you let me look into those beautiful eyes, let me touch your warm skin. I just want to be with you.. you're my Juliet and I need a chance to be your Romeo, (hey, I've had a lot of time to grow just as cheesy as you, okay?) _

_You are the love of my life, and I would die for you, I would die if I have to live without you in my life. It took you being away for me to realize this, and I am so sorry about that. I love you, Rachel Barbara Berry. _

_I am forever yours, Finn. _

I wipe away the tears quickly and keep the letter in my hands for a minute before looking up at Gemma, I watch as she looks at the letter in her hand in disgust. "What's wrong?" She shakes her head at me and storms off into the words, and I know she needs some alone time. So, I don't go after her, instead, I pick up the letter she chucked on the floor.

"What's wrong with Gemma?" Carl smiles as he sits next to me, I open the letter slowly, reading it. I hand it to him quickly, nervous for Gemma as I look around for Robert or anyone.

"She's being sent back to that place." Carl gulped and looked into the direction the other girl had run into, and I just nod.

"Her dad doesn't want her back home, he can't handle it, he thinks sending her there is the answer but it makes her worse, it's going to make her hate herself more than she already does. That man is seriously deluded if he thinks he is helping her." I sigh and get up to run after Gemma, wishing I could help her in some way.

I can't believe she is being sent back to that place, she won't be able to handle it one more time. I won't be able to see her ever again. I shake my head and kick a rock when I think about never seeing one of my best friends again, it would be too hard. Why does life have to be so unfair?

~ .. ~

_One week later: _

Rachel smiled at Gemma as best she could but the other girl just shook her head, watching as everyone else began the walk to their parents. Rachel sighed and then started to look for her own in the large crowd, grinning when she spotted the three of them waving to her.

She nodded at the counsellors and then wrapped her arms tight around Gemma before running over to them, "Dad, daddy.. m-Shelby." She grinned and wrapped her arms tightly around both her dad's, who seemed surprised for a moment before wrapping their arms tight around their daughter.

"I missed you." Leroy whispered into her ear, Rachel nodded and then pulled away, looking at Shelby before giving the woman an awkward hug, biting her lip.

"How is it?" Rachel shrugged and looked down at the ground,

"I hated it at first, but I have made good friends and I'm starting to see what I did wrong. I'm beginning to see where everything started going wrong."

Her daddy nods and looks over to the counsellors, "Are they good? Helpful?" Rachel laughed and nodded, looking over at Robert, "They are."

She bit her lip when a silence took over the four, before looking up at her dads, "I can come home, right?"

"They asked to talk to us first before we make any decisions." A wave of panic rushed over Rachel and she struggled to think for a moment, she couldn't be sent away again. She shook her head,

"I.. I.. don't make me stay here again, I can't handle this anymore." She whispered, her breath shaking as she spoke, rolling up her sleeves to reveal her deep scars. "I hate it here, you can't make me stay. I can't handle this, I don't belong here. I never have and I never will, please, daddy.. dad.. don't make me stay." A lone tear fell from her eye but she didn't move to wipe it away. She wanted them to see her cry, she wanted them to see the scars, she needed them to feel guilty.

"We're so sorry, baby.."

"No. I'm not going to stay here." She ignored the looks from around her as she rose her voice, not noticing Robert approaching the four of them calmly, "Did you know about this?" Shelby watched the man nod and look at the scars,

"We dealt with it at the time, it hasn't happened since we found out and it won't happen again. We would have told you if it had been serious enough, we would have mentioned something if it continued. But she hasn't and none of the cuts were deep enough to take her to the emergency room. She is fine, as you can see." He looked over at Rachel who had put her arms over her chest, looking away from the adults and over at Gemma.

"Get over there for a moment, Rachel." He said, ignoring the way she huffed before she walked over to Gemma, shaking her head and muttering something about him. She looked over at her parents, unsure if she wanted to know her fate.

"They don't want me back." She muttered as she got over to Gemma, watching the adults talk before calling her back. She walked there slowly, her arms still protectively covering her chest, refusing to smile, not wanting to pretend everything is okay anymore.

"We will talk about this later but there is some group work to do first." She nodded at him, knowing better than to get on his bad side if she ever wanted to go home. "Now then, I want you to turn to your children and tell them why you sent them here."

Rachel looked up at Robert when his voice could clearly be heard, and then at Shelby when the woman cleared her throat, "I sent you here because I want you to find out what it is you're missing. You're so lost, Rachel, I know you're not a bad kid though. I know I hurt you so much and I promise that will change. I thought it would be better to send you somewhere you can get help, I wanted you to be happy again. I don't like seeing you hurting so much, I can't stand to see the pain in your eyes. I just want you to discover yourself again, I want you to be at peace with the person you are. We all love you so much."

She reached out a hand for her, but Rachel took a step back, shaking her head as a warning for the woman not to touch her. Shelby understood and dropped her arm, looking at the two dads. Surprisingly, Hiram spoke up when Leroy nodded at him.

"We sent you here because.. we couldn't help you. All we've ever wanted to do is see you happy, to smile when you do, to laugh when you do.. but when the sparkle and all that passion went from your eyes, you stopped smiling, you never laughed and you didn't even sing anymore. You were no longer the person we raised. You don't even know who you are anymore, Rachel. You've lost so much, so many friends and we so badly want to make it so much better for you. We know the only way to help you is by making sure you get all the help you need." He stopped speaking, looking towards his husband who nodded and took over,

"We had to send you here because it got to a pint where we could no longer save you from yourself. We didn't know what else to do and we are so sorry for letting it get this far." He looked at the floor, leaving Rachel to stand there with the sudden urge to close the gap between them and wrap her arms around the crying dads. But she wouldn't let herself, she didn't want them to win. She wasn't planning on making this easy for them.

She nodded once at them, watching as Robert walked up behind them and put his hand on Leroy's shoulder, smiling at the three adults.

"Don't do this." She shook her head and gulped, trying her best not to cry in front of them.

"We are so sorry baby girl.." Leroy shook his head, and Rachel looked down at the floor, they couldn't do this to her. She had never meant for this to happen, she didn't want to be sent away again. She wanted to get down on her knees and beg them to let her stay home, to let her be happy again. She wanted to tell her dads that she needed their help, not some strangers. But she didn't. She stood there and remained stubborn, refusing to look at them and instead focused on her shoes.

"She will be okay." Robert said as he moved to Rachel's side, but she looked at him and shook her head – he was wrong. She wouldn't be okay, she would never be okay. He took her arm and led her over to a small group of teenagers by the van, grabbing her bag on the way there.

She nodded at Gemma and Robert finally let go before she turned back to her parents, "You are going to regret this. You watch." She shouted at them, watching the three turn away to go back to their perfect lives. She sighed, climbing into the van, she didn't want to do this, she didn't belong in this place.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

Rachel slowly got off the bus and looked around at the teenagers rushing to their next class. She looked over at Gemma who was standing nexting to her, since the journey there, all the colour had drained from her face. She noticed the girls hands shake all the way here, and she couldn't help but wonder what was so horrible and terrifying about this place.

She smiled at her best friend as best she could – she was still upset and angry about this whole thing – and linked her arm in hers, trying to reassure her that this time would be different. This time she would have someone by her side, someone to go through this with her. It would be her last time, she would make sure of that.

She sighed as they followed the counsellor in front of them, showing everyone around. Rachel rolled her eyes, not really listening as she stared at everyone else already at the school, "They're like robots." Gemma whispered in her ear, Rachel giggled and then nodded when two girls stared at them, without blinking or moving.

Gemma smiled with her and froze when a woman began walking towards them. Rachel squeezed her arm gently, whispering "What's wrong?" to the other girl, but it seemed to fall upon deaf ears.

"Nice to see you again, Gemma." Rachel noticed the emphasis on the word again and sighed, Gemma just nodded and looked down at the floor until the woman walked off to talk to a counsellor.

"Who was that?" Rachel murmured softly,

"One of the shrinks here.. she'll probably have you, too, she thinks people like us are a challenge. She sure does like the challenge." Rachel took a step back, shaking her head, not completely understanding.

"People like.. us?"

"You know.. people with drunk or drug issues, people who try to kill themselves... people who.." She grabbed Rachel's arm and lifted up the sleeve, running her fingers gently over the scars, "do that." She finished and Rachel shook her head, yanking her arm away quickly to wipe away the tears that fell down her face.

"Whatever." She muttered, not being able to think of anything else to say because she knew Gemma was right, people like _us_. She knew she was no better than everyone else here, she was just like them, maybe even worse than some. The moment of realization hit her when she took a look around her, she finally understood that she was one of them. She thought she had been different, but she wasn't.

It was no longer Rachel and them anymore, it was _us_. 'Just like us.' she kept repeating in her head, over and over again. **Us. **

~ .. ~

"Rachel, Rachel, Rachel.." She rolled her eyes at the woman in front of her as she got up out of her seat and she walked over to the other side of the room, looking out of the large window. 

"What?" She muttered under her breath, finally turning around to stare at the woman,

"You think you have it all figured out, don't you?"

"Obviously." She rolled her eyes again, and then turned away, counting down the minutes until she could get out of there. She hated the whole sixty damn minutes she had to spend in this office, with this woman, with the shrink who thought she knew so much, but knew so little. She wanted to cure everyone, she wanted to fix them, make them into someone else. Someone Rachel knew she couldn't be anymore. She didn't want to be Rachel Berry again, she couldn't be the old Rachel everyone loved to hate.

She knew she had to find that girl again, she knew she would have to end up like that girl if she ever wanted to go home. But she had lost everything and she was clueless as to how she could fix this. Jane, the shrink at the school, thought she could help her but Rachel knew it was pointless until she wanted the help offered to her.

"You think you know the best ways to get out of here, that's why you refuse to speak to anyone but Gemma, and you don't do anything against the rules."

"I have no idea what you are talking about."

"What if I told you that the best way to get out of here, one of the only ways to get out of this place, is to find yourself?"

"Wow.. so deep." Rachel's voice dripped with sarcasm, sighing and folding her arms over her chest, she didn't think she could take anymore of this woman's crap, she didn't care about finding herself, she only cared about going home.

She ran over to grab her bag the moment the hour was up and the school bell went off, reminding her that she had a lesson to go to. She grinned as she ran out of the room, ignoring the woman's protests. "Oh my god, that dragged." She sighed and shook her head as she ran past Gemma, grabbing the girls arm on the way out of the school doors.

She looked around quickly before walking behind a tree. "She was going on about me finding myself or something." She laughed as they sat down and they looked beyond the huge gates that surrounded the building. "We are going to get out of here one day, Gemma.. I don't know when but I will make sure you're okay when we do. You can come home and live with me." She grinned and grabbed her hand, "There's enough room in my bedroom for another bed and you could come to school with me.."

"Rachel.."

"And then you can meet my best friends and you could come to Glee club and hang out with us.." She carried on, having no regard for Gemma at all as she was in her own little world, her perfect world where everything worked out for the best, when real life didn't exist.

"Rachel, come on." She looked down at her hands and Rachel finally stopped talking, noticing the sudden change in mood,

She wrinkled her nose and looked at her best friend, "What? You don't want to?"

"I would love to but it's your life, not mine."

"I think it could be yours too, anything is better than this place.. back and forth from here to the camp, do you want to carry on doing this?" Gemma shook her head and frowned,

"I don't have anywhere else to go, Rachel. I can't go home and I can't go to your home, your life is yours and it's not mine. I would end up hurting you and your family."

"You're one of my best friends, you couldn't hurt me." She said as she squeezed Gemma's hand, "It will be okay. I promise you, I will make sure that everything will be okay."

~ .. ~

"Rachel?" Gemma whispered, Rachel looked at her and rubbed her eyes, looking at the time. It was two in the morning, everyone else was asleep in the room they shared with ten other girls. "What?" She whispered back, laying down to look at the girl.

"I can't sleep." She muttered, blushing slightly, "I'm sorry for waking you up."

"No, don't worry.. do you want to talk about it?" She nods slowly and Rachel got up out of bed, sitting on the edge of the other girls. "I'm always here for you, no matter what the time."

Gemma nodded and bit her lip, "I keep having nightmares.. I can't think of anything else, I close my eyes and all I can see is those boys. I can't think of anything else, how am I supposed to get over it if it's the only thing I think of?" Rachel grabbed the girls shaking hands and wiped away the tears that fell down her cheeks.

"It will get easier, I promise you. It's not going to be this bad forever, you will be okay soon, I will make sure of it. But to do that, you have to tell someone else." She sniffed and wiped another tear that fell from Gemma's face,

"I know but it's too hard.. I don't want people to think I'm lying, please don't make me tell." She started to sob as her body shook from the tears and Rachel just shook her head and held the girl.

"I'd never make you do anything you don't want to do, we can wait until you're ready." She whispered, rubbing the girls back gently.

"Thank you so much Rachel, I'm so glad I met you. I don't know how I would cope without you.." Rachel smiled and pulled back from her to go to her own bed, whispering a good night to the other girl before closing her eyes. She thought about being back at Glee club, she wanted that life back again. She wanted to be that girl once more, she wanted to be happy again. She knew she couldn't live like this anymore, she knew she couldn't sit here waiting for her next hit, she wasn't going to.

~ .. ~

_Rachel_

I sigh as I walk from English to Jane's office, stupid sessions.. I hate them. They are so boring. I've had six weeks of them now and I don't feel any different, so much for them working for everyone. They don't help Gemma either, it would of course help if she told them what was wrong with her but she wouldn't, no matter how much I begged.

"We're going to try something different today." Jane says as I sit across from her, she is sitting behind her desk, looking through some paperwork as I set my bag down on the floor before sitting down.

"Okay, whatever." I roll my eyes and look around her office, all the certificates on the wall, all the photographs surrounding the room, all the people she had met and she had helped – their letters of thank you pinned up on the big board on one side – sometimes I look at them and wonder if I will ever send her one, if I will be sending her photographs of my new life, letters on how much better I am.

Even if I was better though, why would I thank her? Would I sent her letters of fake gratitude and happy memories of this place? I look at her as she picks up a small mirror and holds it out to me, my eyebrows raising as I take it.

"What do I do with this?" I do my best to avoid my reflection, just gesturing towards it. I don't want to see the mess I have become, not yet.

"I want you to look in the mirror and tell me what you see, who you are." I laugh nervously and shake my head,

"What good will that do? I don't think it could help me at all." I shrug and set the mirror face down on her desk, shaking my head. I sigh, looking around the room, avoiding her eye.

"Just do it, Rachel, there is no need to be stubborn about this. It's not hard, it's a simple task." I shrug again and watch her pick up the mirror as she walks over to me, placing it in front of me. I glance at the reflection before looking away, ashamed. "Tell me what you see." She repeats, I roll my eyes and grab the mirror of her and stare into my eyes, thinking for a moment.

"What do you want me to see?" She shakes her head,

"You tell me what you see. The first thing that comes into your mind, just say it."

I wrinkle my nose, frowning, "Bad daughter." She sits next to me and watches me as I look into the mirror, "I-I'm a bad daughter.."

"I want you to shout it, Rachel."

"I am a bad daughter." I say a little louder, staring at my reflection in disgust, that was the truth – I'm a terrible daughter, stupid daughter, ugly daughter, fat daughter, horrible daughter. I didn't even deserve my parents, someone like Gemma deserved them. My dads were amazing, they would make amazing parents to someone who needed them.

"Louder."

"BAD DAUGHTER." I shout as loud as I can, holding back the tears, "Bad daughter.." I whisper to myself, shaking my head as tears fall down my pale face.

"What else do you see?" I shrug and look into the mirror, sniffing,

"Horrible friend, terrible girlfriend.. undeserving, stupid, stupid girl."

"And?" I watch her edge closer, suddenly interested in what I am saying and I shake my head, trying to set the mirror down but she stops me and forces the mirror into my face.

"Ugly, fat, stupid, worthless girl, okay?" I shake my head and look out the large window, waiting for the bell to ring, knowing it wouldn't be anytime soon.

"You're a horrible person as well aren't you? You betray everyone who love you? You steal from them and ignore them, you make them all hate you. You're hated, Rachel." She whispers, I shake my head,

"N-no.. they don't.. they don't hate me.." Tears start falling down my face once more but I don't care, I don't bother holding them back, I don't bother trying to hide them away. "They don't hate me." I whisper, chucking the mirror across the room and watching it smash against the wall. I draw my knees against my chest and look out the window, not noticing Jane move to put her arms around me.

"I thought you were supposed to help me, not fuck me up more than I already I am. You're supposed to make me better."

"I have to know what is going on inside your head, Rachel. I've found the one thing you know isn't true.. you're not hated." She smoothed out my hear as tears carried on falling down my face, I sniff and look at her for a moment,

"They should hate me though.. I would hate me if I was them.. I hate me." I sigh and curl up tightly, hiding my face from her.

"It's okay, we need to work on everything else, we need to make sure you realize you're none of those things you think you are. We're finally making progress, it's okay."

"Can I go now?" She nods and I grab my bag, running out of there and into the bathroom. Stupid girl. I opened up to her and now she knows how I feel, now she knows who I really am. Now she thinks she can help me, I don't need her help though, I don't want anyone's help.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

**A/N: This is a M rated chapter; mentions of sexual activity which of course, you can skip over. **

"Is your dad coming?" Rachel said as she sat down next to Gemma, biting her lip when the girl shook her head. She put her hand on top of the other girls and sighed quietly,

"It will be okay, I promise you. I best be off... I will see you soon." She rolled her eyes, before winking at the girl as she stood up, walking over to the large group of people to look for her parents.

"Rachel!" She looks over at them, grinning and running over to them; forgetting everything that had happened last time, not wanting to remember anything she had said to them, and it looked as though they were able to do the same. "Wow, you look so much better." Leroy said, kissing her cheek and hugging her tightly, as Hiram nodded in agreement and wrapped his own arms around her.

Rachel smiles a little and shakes her head, taken back when Shelby wraps her arms around her, which she returns with just a pat on the back. "We miss you."

"Miss you too... all of you." She smiles and takes both her dads hands as they walk around the grounds of the place Rachel had been forced to call home for two months now.

"How is it here?"

"It's okay.. I get on with people in my classed, I'm back on my A average." She grins and digs out her report card from her pocket, handing it to her daddy first, watching him pass it around as they all have a look of pride on their faces. "I can show you my room if you want?" She smiles when they nod, leading the way.

She bit her lip as she walked, thinking about how she needed to show them that she was ready to come home and be safe. She needed to make sure they believed in her. It was just a quick tour of the room when she noticed the time, a frown etched on her features as she looked at the three of them, "We best be off to see Jane now."

"Is she any good?"

"She likes to think she is.." She laughs a little, a little nervously as they walk closer and closer to the woman's door. "She's okay, she's helping me when I want it but I have days when I really don't care about much that she says." She looks down at the floor, forcing a smile on her face when they get to the door.

She rolls her eyes before walking into the office, not bothering to knock; she reasoned that Jane knew she was coming, so why bother with simple manners?

It wasn't long until they were all sitting around a table that Jane set up specifically for these days, with Rachel at the head of the table so she could see the four adults looking at her, judging her as she felt more and more insecure about how well she was actually doing. "Today, I want you to talk about everything you did while you were at home."

Rachel looked up nervously, shooting glances between her parents, "E-everything?"

"It's best to get it all off your chest, we're trying the honesty approach – remember, Rachel?" She sighs and nods, knowing the woman was right, so she took a deep breath and closed her eyes, building up the courage to finally tell her parents the truth, the truth that could quite possibly break their hearts when they find out what type of person she had become.

"Um.. I would drink a lot... smoke pot and.. whatever else I would get my hands on." She looked down, blushing in embarrassment as she carried on, trying to avoid any eye contact, "I would sell pot for money and steal money from you when I could.. I smoked... I-I.. d-did stuff... with boys.."

She notices the look from her dads just then and she bites her lip, trying to lie, "No.. I'm still a virgin." She forgets she's already told Jane about her past, she forgets she told Jane what a _whore _she had been over these past few months, she forgets all that until the woman shoots her a look, and shakes her head,

"We're trying honesty today, Rachel."

So, she takes a deep breath – they need to believe that she can be okay, she needs to open up but she hates that look of shame on their faces. "I lost my virginity on my bedroom floor, because... Simon gave me some stuff, and said that's how I could pay for it. And it carried on like that, meaningless sex because... it made me feel something for a bit. I felt human.. I felt like someone loved me, and I know it sounds stupid because believe me, I know none of those boys care about me at all but... in that moment, I honestly believed I was lovable.."

It's not until she finishes that she notices the tears running down her face, and the shame on her parents faces as they stare at her. "I-I know.. I've let you down. I broke my promise of waiting until I was twenty five, and I hate myself for that but... you have no idea how.." She takes a deep breath and frowns,

"You have no idea how empty I felt, how much I wanted to be held, and wanted to.. feel something, but at the same time, I wanted to feel nothing. I wanted the feel of being close to someone, but I wanted it to mean nothing so I would never have to put up with any real feelings. And I am sorry but.. it's something I will have to live with for the rest of my life."

She can tell that she's broken their hearts now, and she hates herself but she had promised she would be honest and as she watches them nod, she thinks maybe it would pay off. "So you sold your body for drugs?" The anger, the hate, the disgust... it all comes out and she wants to curl up in a ball and die.

"I.. you have no idea what it's like to feel that way. You know nothing. You have no idea how many times I was so high I didn't know what I was doing, the times I was do desperate I would just lay there and take whatever a guy wanted to do to me, just so I could get my next hit. You have no idea, you cannot judge me." Her words were bitter, with a tinge of hurt coming to the surface and she felt a sigh of relief when Jane shook her head at the three parents,

"Anything else, Rachel?" Rachel looks up at Jane for a second and nods, gulping as she looks down once more,

"I sneak out to go to parties, I don't go to school much and when I do.. I don't listen. I got kicked out.. as you know.. but I never cared. Glee didn't want me, and I still didn't care. I... I cut myself; but not since I got here, I'm fine now. I tried to kill myself twice before.. before going to camp, too. I tried and I always failed." She looks down at her hands, fighting the tears that are about to fall as she shakes her head, only to look up to see their tear stained, but smiling faces.

"Thank you for being so honest with us, Rachel." Leroy nods, putting a hand on top of hers as Hiram agrees, "It means a lot that you shared that with us."

"It's going to be okay now." Shelby adds in, and Rachel looks at her and nods, trying to believe the same words she told Gemma so many times.

"We are so sorry we couldn't be there.. was it us? Are we not there enough, sweetie? Was it your mom being in the picture?" Both of them look down in shame, as Shelby bites her lip.

"No.. it's nothing to do with any of you. I make my own choices, I'm the only one to blame for this."

Shelby nods and wraps her arms tight around the girl, "We are so proud of you." Rachel thanks her quietly and wraps her arms tight around the woman, trying not to cry.

She grins when they finally walk out of the office, "That went a lot better than I anticipated."

"A lot better." Shelby agrees, walking with her and the other two adults,

"Daddy, Dad.." She turns to her parents, the ones she lives with and stops walking, "I don't belong here.. let me come with you now." She begs them with her eyes, hoping they would say 'of course you can come home' but instead, they shake their heads,

"You're not ready yet. I promise you will be soon, and we will be able to pick you up from this place and then everything will be alright." Rachel tries to nod and smile, tears brimming her eyes as she hugs them all once more. She watches them drive away, barely noticing Gemma come up beside her, looking at her for a moment when she puts her arms around the now shaking girl.

"I need to get out of here, Gemma.. please." She sighs, watching her parents go back to their lives without her; it wasn't fair when she was stuck here. She wanted to be happy again, but she would never be happy in this place. She had no chance to be happy in a place she hated. Gemma just nods, not needing to question her best friend, knowing how she felt.

Rachel just smiles and goes to her room to pack some stuff, tonight would be a long night.

"Rachel?" She can feel someone shaking her from her warm bed and for a moment, she had forgotten the plans for that night. She looks at Gemma, suddenly remembering the plans and scrambling out from her bed, grabbing a small bag under the bed. She nods and runs after her, frowning when they reach the gates. They both knew this would be the most difficult part of the whole plan, once they were past this point then it would be okay.

She watches as Gemma scrambles down on her knees, starting to dig at the dirt, making a hole big enough for them to squeeze under – it's not long until Rachel realizes what the girl is doing, joining in. This was their escape route, another half an hour and the hole would be big enough. She smiled and carried on digging, ignoring the pain in her hands as she carried on. This was the one chance she had to leave this place, to go back to where she belonged, and she wouldn't give it up.

Finally, they get through the small hole, bleeding and exhausted but they're on the other side and that is all that matters in the end. "We need to move quickly, I say we only have another ten minutes until they notice our empty beds." Gemma whispers, and runs off with Rachel following her.

_Happiness. Freedom. It was waiting. _

~ .. ~

Rachel huddled up next to Gemma, trying to block out the freezing weather, ignoring their chattering teeth and shaking bodies. Gemma had been sick for the past few days since they got out of the place known as hell; the girl was pale and constantly shaking and Rachel knew she had to get the girl off the streets soon. But they had no money and begging didn't seem to be working, she had no clue what to do.

There was no point in even talking to each other, they knew what the other one was thinking anyway. They both watched as two large men walked over to them from the other side of the street, and Gemma closed her eyes and snuggled up close to Rachel, who just stared at them, the two men grinning down at them.

She shook her head and finally looked away, hoping they would get the hint and turn the other way. She wondered if she closed her eyes and pretended to sleep then they would leave them alone, "Hey beautiful." She opened her eyes again and looked at them, biting her lip when she saw a tear run down Gemma's face at the sound of a man's voice.

The two men were right in front of them now, winking, grinning, moving closer and closer. "Leave us alone."

"Come on, you both must be starving.. just a quick something, anything you want." She watched them bring out their wallets, filled with cash that could get them home. She shook her head and sighed,

"We don't do anything like that, sorry." She muttered, Gemma was shaking and Rachel thought again for a moment – Gemma didn't, Rachel did.

"Just one of you then, come on." She sighed and looked across the road to their car,

"Fine then, but.. she comes and stays in the car, got it?" Gemma looked up at her best friend, terrified at the thought of her having to do this once more just to get some money. "Don't.. we don't need the money that badly."

"We need to get out of here, Gemma.. we need to get you well again." She lifted up the small bowl they had been using for money from begging, "We need more money, we need $50 and then we can go away from here. I promise you it will be fine, I've done this before, remember?" She referred to all the times she would do whatever she could, whatever they wanted just for some money. No, not money.. drugs. Everything had been about drugs, more drugs, always had to get more drugs, forgetting all her feelings, be someone else. Drugs. Drugs. Drugs.

Now though, it was about getting out of there, running away from the life she once loved more than anything else. Running as far as they could away from that prison, they didn't belong there. Rachel knew she needed help but she had received that, and now she should be home and Gemma never belonged there in the first place. She knew she would have done the same in the girls place, anyone else would have done the same.

She shook her head and pulled herself out of her own thoughts, ignoring the urge to run away from the two men in front of her. She could feel Gemma's hand squeezing hers tighter, getting clammier by the second. She could hear her breath quicken, keeping up pace with Rachel's heartbeat.

Rachel didn't feel so cold anymore, shaking because of nerves now. She wants to cry out in fear, but she gets up anyway because she knows Gemma won't last much longer if they carry on like they have been doing. They need to get away from there, they need to go somewhere to forget all the bad things they had done and move on with their lives. So many bad things..

They walked to the car in silence, Rachel holding Gemma close to her, protecting the girl as they got to the car. "You don't have to do this." Gemma whispered, and Rachel just nodded as tears ran down her pasty face.

"I will be fine. I've done it before."

"No.. you won't be fine.. when you did all this before, you were high or drunk, you didn't want to do anything like that. You never did it when you were sober, just like you don't want to do it right now. You only feel like you have to do this, Rachel, but I promise you that you don't. You really don't." Rachel just shook her head and looks away, getting in the car with the now shaking girl.

The two men got in the front, and Rachel had to look away from the mirror – trying to ignore the lust and greed in the two men's eyes. She had to do this for Gemma, and for herself. She needed to get them both out of here. The car started and she could feel her heart beating faster and faster, closing her eyes tight. She was just a scared teenage girl, a girl who had got lost along the way, and a girl who was so desperate but for all the right reasons this time.

She could barely breath when the car pulled over at an abandoned spot, and she took one last look at Gemma before telling her to move to the front as the two men got out of the car. To her relief, the girl did what she was asked and the two men got in the back with her, their hands exploring her body as she forced herself to stop shaking.

She did what she had to do – she blanked out, she thought about everything other than what she was doing – her movements were fluid, as though she had done them a thousand times as she unzipped their pants, pulled them down along with their boxers. She let them undress her and not once did she make eye contact with either of them, she was barely there. She didn't exist in that moment, she was thinking about Glee and singing. She was on stage, and she was singing and Gemma was standing next to her, smiling. She was _happy_.

So, when she took one man's penis in her hands, she did it as though she was acting on instinct. She took him in her mouth, did what she was told like a _good _girl, because she was nothing more than a _whore, _a _slut, _a pathetic little girl who had to fuck everyone to get what she wanted, where she needed to be. She was _damaged goods. _Finn would never want her, nobody would ever want her.

But she carried on, she swallowed when he instructed her too and she let them both explore her body. She allowed one of them to pull her onto his lap, as the other one kissed her and she allowed him to _fuck _her, she allowed him to kiss her all over, she allowed him to touch her breasts, she allowed him to put her hand on his penis, and she allowed herself to react to the meaningless sex, and the meaningless sexual act. She allowed herself to do that because no matter how much she tried to deny it, she was still that desperate little girl who needed to feel something to believe she was real. She was still that little girl who needed someone to touch her so she could bring herself back to reality.

And then she got herself dressed quickly, ignoring the smirks on their faces as they chucked the money at her and kicked her and Gemma out of the car – leaving them both in the middle of nowhere. She didn't react though, not until they left. Not until Gemma put a hand on her lower back. She didn't break down until no one but Gemma could see, as she sunk down to her knees and sobbed. She cried for her lost innocence, for how disgusting she felt, for how much she hated herself.

"It's okay.. you are going to be okay." Gemma sniffed as she held her friend close to her, crying as well.

"How will I be okay? I'm nothing but a dirty, disgusting whore.." Rachel sobbed harder, gripping onto the money,

"No.. you had to do that. Neither of us can be on the streets much longer, you did it to save us, Rachel.. you didn't do it because you enjoyed it. You did it to save us." She nodded, trying to calm herself down. She had things to do – she needed to get Gemma some food, some medicine, she needed to get Gemma away from here.

Neither of them saw a man running towards them, not until it was too late. Rachel could feel tears running down her face as she looked up at him, terrified it would be another person who would use her for sex, throw money at her and drive off. She cried out when he grabbed her arm and pulled her up,

"Gemma Winters and Rachel Berry?" They both nodded, biting down on their lips to stop the sobs, "Come with us, please." She felt herself stop shaking when she heard the authority in his voice.

"We're taking you back." Rachel shook her head and pulled her hand back, Gemma began to plead with them but they both knew who had won this battle, they knew it wouldn't stop them leaving again. Nothing would stop them running away again. Nothing or no one.


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

_Rachel_

_I look around me, hearing footsteps not too far behind me. That's when I sprint, not looking where I am going, only seeing blurs or objects, people.. only catching small glimpses of the faces around me. I don't stop to look though, I want to but I can't stop. Someone is chasing me, they just won't stop. I'm forever guilty, forever in their debt, they're always after me. I can feel it deep down, the same, my conscious eating away at me; telling me I've done something wrong, I just don't know what yet. What is it? What have I done?_

_That's when I fall over, and I as I fall onto my back, I look at the full moon in the sky and shake my head. Before I know it, I lift up my hands, looking directly onto the silver light, it's glittering off something, a substance in my hands.. but I don't know what it is. I can't see it clearly, I bring my hands closer to me, noticing the red liquid dripping off them. I shake my head and quickly get up, not knowing, not being able to comprehend where the blood is coming from, and I keep wiping it away but it comes back. It won't stop growing, gripping, someone is dying.. fading.. disappearing... dying. Someone is dying._

_I can't shake the guilt, that this is my fault. I've done something, I've hurt someone and I don't know who. I carry on running, ignoring the blood, trying to think of something else. Then I look at someone in front of me, realizing who the blood is from: Gemma. I run over to her, screaming her name but she just lays there. Pale, shaken.. dead. It's my fault. It's all my fault and I, like Lady Macbeth, will never be able to get the blood off my hands. _

I wake up suddenly and look around the room, I can feel my whole body shaking as I notice Gemma's bed unslept in. I shake my head, she wouldn't do anything, she wouldn't do this to me. She wanted to be happy, she wanted it more than anything. I already know though, I know the moment I approach her bed. I let a tear fall down my cheek and onto the small, pink paper note laying on the cushion. Underneath it is her favourite teddy bear, and I shake my head instantly knowing what this means. I take the note, scanning it quickly, never taking in the exact words. I look around the room once more, and run out as fast as I can.

She wouldn't do this, please God, don't let her do this. Tears plummet down my face, leaving wet patches on my pale skin. I can feel my whole body shaking, my best friend could be dead right now and what can I do about it?

I should have woken up sooner.

I should have been there for her.

I should have saved her from coming back here.

I should have..

I should have..

I should..

I sigh as I close my eyes, reaching the gate but there's no hole this time. She couldn't have made it, not yet. And then, I hear her, "Rachel?" I turn around and speed towards her, grabbing her before she collapses onto the dirt ground, clinging to a tree. I hold her in my arms and shake my head, not caring about my tears splashing onto her.

"W-What did you take?" I whisper, biting my lip,

"Don't worry." She stutters out, I shake her, trying not to damage her in anyway at all. I love her so much, she's my best friend, she can't leave me too. I don't want to be alone. Please never leave me alone.

I fight the urge to run from all of this, to turn my back on her, scramble out of the gates and run, never stopping. I've said this so many times, I am meant to be alone, I was born to be a loner. I have always been alone, that's the way things were supposed to be. I ruined everything when I made friends, it's my fault. This is all my fault.

I can feel my heart beating fast, too fast and I shake my head. "Help!" I scream as loud as I can, "Please help me." I whisper, as Gemma touches my face with her freezing hand, smiling up at me.

"I will be okay now, I'm going to be safe."

"No, you're not going to be okay, please."

"I'm so sorry." She croaks out, I shake my head, sobbing harder,

"No don't speak.. it'll be okay." I look around, hearing people shout, footsteps getting closer and closer, and closer. 

"Never forget, you've been an amazing friend. My best friend." I look away from her before looking back down into her eyes,

"Gemma, don't leave me. We will get out of here one day, I promise you. We will be happy."

"No, you will be happy. I can never be happy again. I'm giving you a chance, I don't want to burden you with me." I shake my head quickly, the tears falling down harder and harder,

"Don't leave me.. you're not a burden. You're everything except a burden, please."

"I love you." I shake my head, grabbing her tighter,

"No, please don't leave me. You'll be okay." I watch her as she closes her eyes, and I bring her closer to my chest, not hearing anyone come up. "Help." I whisper, "No.. don't die.. please someone help.. don't die.." I feel someone pull me off her, but I feel numb. The tears stop as I try to tell myself it's just a dream, she's not really dead. I'll wake up soon.

"Rachel, what happened?"

"She wanted to die." I mutter as I am helped up by someone next to me, I don't see anyone else though, I only focus on Gemma. "She wanted to." I shake my head and feel the woman next to me grab my arm,

"Come on." I follow her willingly, not fighting her off. I don't have any energy to fight. I don't want to anymore. I walk into the bedroom and stare at the note on the floor, slowly picking it up.

_Rachel, _

_I will be gone hopefully when you read this, I am so sorry that I couldn't be the friend you deserved so badly. I needed someone and you were always here for me but because of everything I have always felt like I can never return the favour. I can never thank you enough for everything you have done for me, and I can't bare to burden you any longer. You're the only person who has believed me, and I don't think I could ever ask for anything more from you._

_I hope one day you can see how much you deserve a happy, normal life. One filled with joy, family and a life. Don't let this eat you up, don't let this destroy you. I have to let this get the best of me, I let this kill me but I won't let it do the same to you. _

_I will be watching over you, this is my favour to you. I can do so much more for you up here than I ever could with you. I'm happy now. I'm free. _

_I love you, my best friend forever. _

_Gemma. _


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: See last chapter.**

"Look at me." Rachel watched Jane as she walked over to her, turning her head to see the woman, but she didn't move. She didn't even flinch from the woman's cold touch, she just sat there, staring ahead but not really seeing anything. She slowly got down to the girls level and shook her head, "Don't you dare blame yourself."

Rachel doesn't say or do anything, she just stared ahead of her, never really listening, never caring, never really seeing. She thinks it's all her fault, that dream she had... blood on her hands.. Lady Macbeth.. Rachel was never going to move on from this. She would never forget Gemma, and that guilt would never leave.

"Gemma was in a lot of pain and she felt like this was the only way out." Rachel just nodded, and she seemed surprised by her first reaction at all since the death.

She whispers, "Let me go home."

"Not yet, you're not ready."

"I'm never going to be ready, there's too many bad memories here. Please.. let me go home." She looked at the woman, pleading, desperation in her eyes and she could see the distrust in Jane's eyes. She knew that she wasn't going to let her go home, not until she can accept the fact she wouldn't try anything.

Rachel knew she owed it to Gemma to move on, she knew she would never let it get the way it was before. Not again. She sighed, and got up off her seat, slowly able to ease herself out of the shock that had taken over since Gemma's death over a week ago.

"I'm sorry, but not yet."

"When then?" She looked out the window, walking away from Jane as far as she possibly could, afraid of losing her temper as she clenches her first. She closes her eyes and think of her best friends and Finn for a moment, a time when she was happy and had everything she had ever wanted. She ruined it.

"I don't know when, Rachel. As soon as I believe you to be ready."

"I'm ready now, I can promise that. I can't be here any longer."

"I'm really sorry." Jane just shook her head, sitting down and looking through some papers. Rachel sighed as she ran her fingers through her hair, biting her lip,

"Look, Gemma had real problems, major problems that she could never escape from. But I.. I.. my problems are not the same. I made my own problems, I cam break away from my predicament.. and I can move on with my life. She is never going to be able to do that, but I want to do this for the both of us. I was being selfish, making issues out of stuff that were never there, that were never important." She paused for a moment to gather her thoughts, finally feeling like the old Rachel Berry, who used to speak too much for her own good,

"I really did think I had problems at the time but I never did.. I only thought I did, does that make me a bad person?" Jane shook her head and sighed,

"It doesn't but there are some issues you have yet to address. The behaviour you have shown, here and back home, that doesn't start for no reason. I know that Gemma and many others here may have different, perhaps more severe issues than yourself but that doesn't make their reasons to be here any better than yours. Gemma killed herself, it wasn't the best option but.." Jane paused, about to speak again before Rachel interrupted;

"She thought it was the best option, okay? She did what she thought was best for her, for the first time. She couldn't handle coming in and out of this place for the rest of her life. You were killing her and so was her dad, if he had believed her then none of this would have ever happened. She would still be the happy girl she was before, and she would be alive." Rachel looked away, biting her lip to stop herself from crying,

"She wanted to die, she always wanted to die the moment he called her a liar. She never thought about anything else, and with every failed attempt.. she died a little more inside and it carried on and then she did it. I understand now that it was not my fault. If I hadn't have been here, she may have done it sooner. Just don't talk about her, you have no right to talk about her. None of you do." Rachel turned around to look at the woman, who looked a little hurt by the speech but she didn't care, Gemma had tried to tell her how she really felt but she never felt like she could.

"I'm ready to go home now." 

"I don't think you are."

"Just listen to me.. please.. Gemma is happier now. She didn't have any hope and she didn't have a home to go to but I do. Please let me go there." Rachel watched as the woman shook her head, and she lowered her head in defeat, not uttering a word as she grabbed her bag and runs out of there.

That night Rachel packed her bag as quickly as she could, not leaving anything behind this time. She wasn't planning on getting caught and she wasn't planning on ever coming back. She was going to be okay, she was ready and even if Jane couldn't see that, her parents would. And if they didn't.. her friends would. Finn would. Someone would see. Someone had to realize how far she had come; she knew someone would realize.

She escaped, the same way she had before and she ran. She ran as far as she could, not knowing where to go. She wandered around for days, not really knowing where to go without any money. She hoped she wouldn't attract any attention to herself, because it would mean a one-way trip back to that hell.

Finally though, luck is on her side and she can feel Gemma with her. She finds a poster for a local runaway helpline centre – it was the answer she had been looking for, she could finally go home. She could phone her parents, tell them she was okay and then ask them to pick her up. She wasn't that far from Ohio anymore. She was just going to beg for them to let her come back home, inform her of how ready she was and how much she just wanted to forget it all.

"Daddy?" She whispers down the phone, clutching it as though it's a lifeline. She can hear the sigh of relief, and her dad and Shelby in the background, talking to her daddy. "Daddy? Please don't send me back, I know I'm in the wrong for running away but I swear to you, I'm ready to come home. I promise you that if I do anything wrong, you can take me straight back. I promise daddy, dad... please." Tears fall down her cheeks as she hears a sniff on the other side,

"I heard about your friend, we're so sorry baby."

"Daddy, I need you to believe me when I say I'm ready.. you have to believe me. No one else does."

"I do, my beautiful star. I know you want to and we want you home, too."

"R-really? You do? Can I come home now?" She looked around the room at the other teenagers, most of them on the phone to tell their parents that they were okay, but they can't go back home. "How can I get home?"

"Finn is on his way to pick you up."

"Finn?"

"Yeah, he's right here, honey. He's been so worried about you, he's been here every single day since you left, he misses you just as much as we do."

"I miss you all, too." She smiled and looked around, "I'm about four hours from home." She can hear her daddy tell Finn, and then asks for the exact location. Rachel closes her eyes, smiling as she tells him. She was going home, she couldn't wait.

"Rachel?" She looked up from the seat she had been sitting in for over four hours now, and grins at the boy in front of her. "I missed you so much." He whispered, gathering her up in his strong arms and kissing her with so much more passion than she ever thought possible. She gasped a little when they both pulled back and then wrapped her arms around his neck, and she knew what real happiness felt like. "I won't let anyone hurt you again. I won't let them take you." He says as he takes her hand and pulls her to the car, she nods and watches him climb into the drivers seat.

"I love you, Finn Christopher Hudson."

"I love you too, Rachel Barbara Berry." He smiled a little and then shook his head before driving off, "We need to get you home, your dads are waiting to wrap their arms around you." She nodded and looked out of the window.

It was over, the worst part was finished, complete. She was going to be okay, her life was going back to normal. Happiness would be found, even if she seemed like she fought so hard to achieve it. But in the end, she knew she had achieved one thing she had been looking for – true love.

She finally found the one person she had been looking for, the person she loved more than anything else in the world, she was just a little late realizing it. She laughed at the grin on his face and she realized – she was finally home. And she was going to stay there this time.

"**Love is always patient and kind, it is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it never does take offence and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other peoples sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end."**


End file.
